Why do us blokes struggle so much to come to terms with anxiety?
Why do we bottle anxiety up, and make it much worse by not talking about it?
Why do we rarely say what’s really on our minds?
To get the answers, we need to take a look at what makes a man ‘a man’.
Let’s start with some male public figures regarded as the most attractive men.
James Bond (Any of them)
Some of these names date back a while - and some are more recent. (Teens will be like ‘Who the hell is Cary Grant?’) But they all have particular things in common, and it’s these things that give us the answers to the above questions.
What do you think when you see this list of names?
The first thing that comes to mind is how these guys are ‘Mr Cool’ type figures.
He basically comes across like he doesn’t give a shit about anything.
He has charm, charisma, and effortless coolness.
He doesn’t appear to be flustered, never panics, or looks anxious. You could spill a drink on his jacket, and he would look up nonchalantly, tell you not to worry, take it off and look better in his shirt.
He puts out fires, rescues cats, and makes love to three different women – all in the space of 24hrs.
It’s the ‘never panics or looks anxious’ part that answers the questions best.
As a man, being anxious is looked upon as uncool – unmacho like.
That’s why, on the face of it, the way these guys portray themselves is the way to be as a ‘real man’. That’s why these Mr Cool’s are placed as icons - for all of us blokes to admire and aspire to.
BUT WE’RE FORGETTING SOMETHING – SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT
We see all the good bits, but what we don’t see is the major flaw.
These guys look like they have it all.
Charm and charisma.
Bags of confidence.
Who wouldn’t want all this?
But there is a price for all this. A big price.
Acting like you have no emotion and like nothing bothers you might appear cool on the outside - like the way to be as an attractive guy and someone to aspire to - but it’s emotionally crippling.
Mr Cools are always on high alert not to drop the ball when it comes to their appearance of being ‘strong’.
Crying in public is shameful. Telling someone you feel vulnerable is weak. Being anxious and showing nerves will wreck the Mr Cool persona.
The downfall to all of this is we do have emotions.
Even the most macho of male has to cry. It’s healthy.
The ability to cry and get anxious is built in us all for a reason. It’s not just reserved for females. If we didn’t need it, evolution would have seen to it that we get rid of it. But it’s still there, and it’s there for good reason.
You can’t bottle emotions up like they don’t exist.
They do exist. And if you bottle them up, it’s only a matter of time before the container can’t take it anymore, and it explodes.
Plus, bottling things up always make them seem a hundred times worse than they are.
What we don’t see is the emotional breakdowns Mr Cool guys have. We don’t see them crying behind the bathroom door because they can’t show others how they truly feel.
Being Mr Cool is overrated.
It might get you the ladies, and men might look at you enviously, but all this is pointless if you’re crying yourself to sleep.
Play Mr Hot instead of Mr Cool.
Mr Hot is in touch with how he feels. He is as much emotionally intelligent as he is smart.
He might not put out fires and rescue cats all day, but he knows, if he had to, he could. He’s smart because he’d rather call in the professionals than burn his hands off to look cool.
Mr Hot knows the true definition of ‘strong’.
He knows that being strong doesn’t mean he has to hold back his tears when he feels emotional. He knows that his ability to demonstrate his emotion, no matter who might be present, is the strongest sign of them all.
Mr Hot will tell you when he’s made a mistake, and will happily hold his hands up – rather than pretend he’s perfect and never makes mistakes. This lack of perfectionism means he can forgive and be lenient when he needs to be – rather than feel like he needs to be an angry and strong man who doesn’t take any shit by putting up a macho front.
And most important of all, Mr Hot doesn’t mind being anxious.
He doesn’t try to mask his anxiety and pretend that it’s not there. He knows that anxiety is a healthy part of life. He plays with it. Laughs with it.
By being at ease with anxiety, he’s comfortable communicating how he feels. Things don’t bottle up inside until he can’t take them anymore. He can sleep easy at night with a clear mind and conscience.
He is as fulfilled emotionally as he is mentally and physically.
Be Mr Hot.
Due to our macho front, it’s unlikely your bloke will read this. But if you have any clue that a man in your life might be suffering from anxiety, get them to give this a read.
Don’t worry about them quickly dismissing your idea, and telling you that you’re stupid for even suggesting it. They might take a peek later when you’re not looking.
Oh, and BTW – go for Mr Hot. Mr Cool is overrated.
Along with panic, paranoia is one of the worst symptoms of excessive anxiety and worry. The classic nail-biting is just the start of the troubles.
Paranoia will, as they say, ‘destroy ya’.
There is nothing wrong with being aware, and sometimes extra cautious, but there is a price to pay for this over-awareness.
Anxiety-related paranoia makes you feel like everything and everyone is against you. You’re on edge and constant alert. You focus on the negatives, and whatever you do or try, you can’t get past the worst case scenario to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Eating and sleeping are secondary to the worry, and when it’s biting hard, paranoia will drain your energy and leave your tank empty. It takes away your ability to function, and overthinking makes you sick with worry.
A silent room can sound like it’s filled with a hundred different voices. You just want your mind to stop.
Paranoia isn’t reserved for just the highly anxious and excessive worrier. It can happen to anyone at any time. It frequently pops up its ugly head at times when we’re stressed or dealing with something that tests us. Recognising the pattern is the first step to dealing with the paranoia that comes with stress and anxiety.
Here are three powerful ways to stop anxiety-related paranoia from getting out of control.
1. Find your energy
What can you do without energy? Correct: absolutely nothing.
You can’t tackle paranoia without energy. All tips and advice beyond getting your energy up are pointless if you don’t have the energy to implement them, which is why it’s the #1 priority on the list.
Paranoia is draining. Upping your energy is the start of the turnaround process. By upping your energy alone, you’re making sure you’re in the best place you can be – mentally and physically. When you find your energy, the rest will follow.
It’s the draining that paranoia does to us that is the biggest issue. It makes us lose our appetite, so we don’t eat. We also stop sleeping, which makes us feel fifty times worse. The longer we stop eating and sleeping properly the more it fuels the fear cycle. Being stuck in the fear cycle is the cause of the constant, unshakeable paranoia.
PARANOIA > NOT EATING & SLEEPING > NO ENERGY > MORE PARANOIA
To stop the paranoia you have to break the cycle, and you can’t do that without energy. There is no other way to get energy than to eat and drink well.
Don’t stop eating and drinking. You’ll be dragged back into the fear cycle, and you’ll find it hard to break its grip.
Focus on achieving one thing at a time, and don’t worry or focus on what you’re not able to do.
The first focus is food.
Although you won’t feel like eating and drinking, you have to force yourself. Drink lots of water, and if you can, have a piece of fruit. If solid food is too much, drink a protein shake. This will provide the temporary energy you need to get you back on track.
Don’t worry about your sleep. Just concentrate on getting some food inside you. That will give you the energy you need to start dealing with the negative thoughts, which will eventually help you get your sleep right.
2. Let out your emotions and talk
Bottling things up and holding our emotions inside makes us feel worse. It only serves to increase our anxiety, worry and paranoia.
If it makes you feel better, go ahead and have a cry - men included. (For the extra macho, go and find somewhere on your own.)
If you’re lucky enough to have someone close to you to talk to, tell them what’s on your mind. Don’t feel like you have to go through it on your own – because you don’t. There is always someone who can help and support you.
If you have a concern about something, your friend will be able to give you an extra point of view. It’s likely you’ll be thinking irrationally (the ‘what if . . .’ type thoughts), and your friend can help you rationalise what’s going on in your head, which, in most circumstances, is rubbish.
If you’re going through a prolonged period of paranoia, go get some help.
There is always somebody who can help, and it doesn’t have to come from the people closest to you. If you want to keep things private, speak to your doctor who can point you in the right direction, or an experienced counsellor.
Remember: It’s OK not to be OK.
We all have a different tolerance level to stress. Stop pretending that everything is OK if it isn’t. It’s not a form of strength to hold everything inside, including your paranoid thoughts.
True strength is sharing what it is on your mind, even if it makes you feel like you’re weak, stupid, or it embarrasses you. It’s these superficial feelings that will keep you trapped.
Stop looking for perfection, stop pretending you’re fine, and stop beating yourself up. Start talking.
3. Get out and don’t stay still
Paranoia and ‘what if . . .’ related worrying thoughts will flourish when you continue to focus on the negative thoughts that fuel it. The most effective way of letting this happen is to stay planted in the same spot.
When we worry we tend to sit still in silence or pace up and down, back and forth in the same spot. One worrying thought continues to the next, and it’s all we focus on.
These negative thoughts, and the paranoia that comes with them, won’t stop until you decide to focus on something new – something you can control and take action on.
Staying planted in the same spot will make you feel trapped. Your home can quickly turn into a prison.
Feeling trapped is an illusion caused by the paranoia and worry.
Don’t stay trapped in the same environment.
You are free.
Embrace your freedom.
Allow your brain to focus on something else – even if that’s just a change of scenery. It will help you refocus, so you can move past the paranoia and worry.
Get out of the house and go do something – ANYTHING. Anything else but stay still. Get some fresh air. Go for a walk. Go for a drive. Feel the air on your face, take some deep breaths, and stay in that moment (the only thing that is real).
Paranoia, like most anxiety-related symptoms, is temporary.
With time and better focus, you will move past the paranoia. Your mental strength will rebuild, and you will rediscover the person you have always been. You’ll take the experience and use it to make you stronger.
Overthinking. That lovely symptom of anxiety and worry.
That thing that makes the smallest detail feel like the world is on top of you.
What if this . . .?
What if that . . .?
Please, mind, shut the fuck up!
When was the last time you caught yourself overthinking stuff? Probably recently. It doesn’t take much to send our brains into overdrive. A bit of extra stress will do the job. That can lead to all sorts of further problems – thinking too much about trivial made up BS is just one of those problems.
Overthinking can be quite innocent. Like when we’re doing something boring and our minds drift off into thoughts about what we’re going to have for dinner and the shoes we saw yesterday that we can’t afford to buy. But most of the time, overthinking is destructive. It causes us extra unnecessary pain and suffering in the form of copious amounts of anxiety and stress.
Why is thinking too much, or overthinking, dangerous?
Because if we think about something long enough, we’ll always find something to worry about – even if it’s made up. We’ll always find or create a reason not to do something.
Enough. Let’s shut it down. Let’s get back control.
Here are three ways to deal with overthinking to stop yourself from the danger of thinking too much.
#1: Overthinking is a choice
Here’s the deal about overthinking: It’s a choice.
There is a difference between pain and suffering. Pain is something that we can’t avoid. Suffering is a choice.
When we get bad news, it causes us pain. If we let that bad news linger and allow it to stay with us, that is suffering.
Overthinking is a form of suffering, so we’ve got a choice.
It might not feel like it at the time – when our minds are racing a hundred miles an hour – but when it comes to overthinking, it’s always a choice. We have the option of putting our mind somewhere else.
When we overthink, we don’t do ourselves any favours. We tend to sit still or pace up and down in the same direction. We focus on one issue, and like I mentioned, if we spend enough time on something we’ll always find something to worry about.
By sitting still, pacing and focusing intensely on one problem, we allow our thoughts to spiral out of control, grow multiple legs, arms and heads, and do what they like. We feel powerless to its control, and yet, it’s us doing all the destruction.
Overthinking has no power. You have the power. That means you hold all the cards.
So that’s #1 to dealing with overthinking: Knowing that the power is with you.
#2: Your thoughts aren’t reality
To keep this simple, I want you to picture your thoughts having two stages.
STAGE ONE: The thought
STAGE TWO: The reality
Stage two is the most important part.
With the 60,000+ daily thoughts we have each day, it’s rare that any of them are reality. But when we overthink, we get it into our heads that somehow all our thoughts are real. Whatever we worry about is real.
What absolute BS!
Your thoughts are very rarely reality. Most of the time they are fake news - far from the realms of fact. Like the thought you had about everyone talking about you. Pure bollocks. People have better things to do. You might get five minutes of attention, but people move on – quickly. They are consumed by their own thoughts and problems.
So that’s #2 to dealing with overthinking: Knowing that most of your thoughts are bollocks. (And paranoia isn’t worth it.)
#3: Get up, get busy, and stay active
Like I mentioned in #1, we are our worst enemy when it comes to overthinking. We sit still, pace, focus intensely and let our thoughts run the show.
Sitting still is the worst thing we can do when we’re overthinking. Silence isn’t good. It lets in all the bad stuff.
We’ve got to channel this creative thinking somewhere else by focusing on something worth our time. The alternative is those thoughts and silence being used to create more anxiety and worry.
Quick question: What are you putting off?
What could you be doing rather than sitting and allowing anxious thoughts to take over?
What is a better use of your time and effort?
The worry will always be there, whether or not you choose to sit and let it take you over or get up and do something else. You might as well do something better with your time rather than make it worse.
You might not feel like doing something when you’re feeling anxious and worrying, but that’s the point. The overthinking wants to keep you trapped in thought. But no matter how trapped you might feel, you have a choice to get up and get busy.
By busying ourselves, we channel our focus and thoughts on more productive things. They might be trivial, like a bit of a spring-clean, but I’d rather do that than suffer more of this bloody overthinking about crap that don’t matter – wouldn’t you?
So that’s #3 to dealing with overthinking: In a nutshell, don’t sit still. Get up and get busy.
I’ve been gorging and put on a good 4-5 pounds recently. I blame it on the holiday and the lovely delights put in front of me. I am but a weak man.
I’ve got to shift these extra pounds. Not for the usual reasons (wanting the perfect beach body for summer and not being mistaken for a whale and being harpooned). I want to do it because I want to feel better, inside and out.
And that’s the key right there.
So many us fail with diets and other things that are good for us, like exercise, because we do them for the wrong reasons – reasons based on impressing other people. When we do things like dieting and exercising for the right reasons – reasons based on how we feel – they are much more likely to work out for the long-term.
The extra bonus is, when you do these things and you’re consistent, you deal with your stress and anxiety much better. Yes please!
Muffin top issues
You’ve got to love the term ‘muffin top’. It describes the love handles well, doesn’t it? The picture I’ve used on this blog (above) cracks me up.
I noticed my muffin top issues on the plane on the way back from my holiday.
I’m shuffling uncomfortably in my seat because my muffin top is cutting off my circulation and feeling tight. I undo my belt a little and consider undoing my jeans button as well. It don’t feel good.
Let’s face it. Anxiety doesn’t need any excuses for you to overthink stuff. If you have even the slightest imperfection, or a feeling of being uncomfortable, or any bodily twinge, high anxiety will jump on it and make you think the worst.
When you’ve dealt with high anxiety you’re a little more sensitive to your body and what’s going on. It’s like health anxiety when you always tend to think the worse. A headache is a tumour and indigestion is a heart attack. Having a muffin top cutting off your circulation every time you sit down will have you thinking all sorts.
We take off and we’ve been in the air for about half an hour. I’m shuffling more and starting to feel a little more uncomfortable and restless. My stomach feels like it’s expanding, even though I declined the temptation of the lovely smelling breakfast rolls and coffee from the trolley.
That’s it, I thought to myself. Bollocks to this. I love food, but I’ve got to get the balance right.
I’ve got a couple of choices.
I can choose to keep eating anything I want, when I want, and accept that the muffin top isn’t going anytime soon. (Neither is the feeling of being uncomfortable and the stress and anxiety that comes with that.) I have to accept that I’ll never get the perfect beach body and I stand the chance of being harpooned.
I can take responsibility and get the balance right. I can still enjoy the finer things in life, including food and drink, but I have to do it using common sense and moderation, because, like most things in life, moderation is OK.
I’m deciding on option 2 simply because how we feel physically effects how we feel mentally. It’s worth making the extra effort to be more consistent with my diet when I get all those mental health benefits too.
It’s frustrating, but I’ve got to accept that life is a bitch. You can’t have pleasure without pain. You can’t gorge on food without consequence – both to your physical and mental state.
🎙️ Take a listen to the Podcast: Anxiety and Losing a Few Pounds
(Don’t forget to subscribe and rate.)
It’s great to look in admiration at your body in the mirror. But do you know what is even better than that? Getting and having that body for the right reason. There is no better reason than feeling good inside – feeling less anxious and less stressed.
If you got that body for someone else, you’re destined to be miserable. You’ll never fill the emotional hole. The mental issues that come with the need to impress others will far outweigh any other issues you might face.
The gym is full of people who go just to impress others. That’s a hole they’ll never fill. You can pump iron or run on the treadmill as much as you like, but if you’re only doing it to impress others, you’re destined to live an unsatisfying life full of anxiety and stress. Having tennis ball biceps is pointless if you don’t feel good and healthy (on the inside and out). Feeling good starts and ends with you.
If you go to the gym, go because you want to – because it makes you feel good about yourself and because it improves your health. What other people think is irrelevant.
We’ve been talking about dropping weight and feeling good about yourself, but let’s not forget about the obvious health benefits of exercise. It’s always best to be motivated about good health more than it is than impressing your neighbour with your tight buns. Your health is always the top priority. The tight buns are a bonus.
I dropped the heavy weights I was lifting because I was doing it for the wrong reasons. The weights I were lifting were doing my back in. The next day, after a training session, I walked like I’d had an accident in my pants. It suddenly dawned on me: Why the hell am I putting myself through this punishment? So I can impress people with my muscles? It’s not a daily requirement for me to lift cars and rescue babies. (I’ll leave that to Superman.) With this revelation, I dropped the weights, and still feel as good. I lift weights that don’t break my back, and I do other exercise activities because they keep me fit and healthy and I enjoy doing them. And the bonus: I can walk without looking like I’ve soiled myself!
Eating well and feeling good
This salad stuff ain’t actually that bad.
Since I’ve been on my health kick I’ve been hitting the salads. I’ve cut down alcohol and coffee (both things that bloat me out) and sacrificed a few other things. It’s not been that difficult to do. Why? Because I’m doing it for the right reasons – reasons based on me wanting to feel better.
I want to be able to sit on a plane (or any seat) and not have the muffin top cut off my circulation, causing me extra stress and anxiety. That is some strong motivation right there.
And you need strong motivation because self-motivation is very overrated. Not having temptation easily accessible is a good thing. If you don’t want to drink wine, get the bottles out the house. Same goes for chocolate, biscuits, and anything else aiding the muffin top. Get them out of your cupboards.
If you diet and exercise with the intention of wanting to reduce your stress and anxiety (and generally wanting to feel better), you’re much more likely to achieve what it is you want. The pain of the anxiety and stress will be greater than the joy you get when you pig-out on chocolate.
You’ll go to the cupboard, and rather than grab the king-sized dairy milk, you’ll think:
‘I don’t need that chocolate to satisfy me. The satisfaction is way too short lived anyway. I get much more pleasure from feeling good. I’m less anxious, less stressed, and my muffin top is about to be a thing of the past!’
This will become your new habit – your new way of thinking. And it will get easier to ignore the chocolate with time.
Let’s be realistic. Life is too short to rid yourself of all pleasures. If you cut too much out of your life, you’ll only crave it more. That’s why we yo-yo diet so much. We get a surge of motivation to drop the weight, lose a few pounds, and because we’ve abstained from eating for so long, we end up eating more than we did before - and we put all the weight back on – and more!
Slow and steady. Let’s be easy on ourselves. Let’s get that weight down and lessen that stress and anxiety over time. Nothing worth achieving will happen overnight. Moderation and small steps are all it takes. And it’s much more likely to stick.
I plan to get to the point where I can ‘treat’ myself and be healthy enough not to worry about the muffin top coming back to haunt me. I know what I’ve got to do to achieve it. Based on my love for food it will be a challenge. But it will be a lot easier doing it for the right reasons compared to me doing it with the sole purpose of impressing others.
If you’re planning a health kick, a diet, or you want to up your exercise, good luck and go for it! Remember to do it for yourself. That is the only way it will work.
🎙️ Take a listen to the Podcast: Anxiety and Losing a Few Pounds
(Don’t forget to subscribe and rate.)
What does peace of mind mean to you?
Maybe it’s something you haven’t thought about that much.
To be fair, why would you? It’s not top of our priority lists. We don’t drop our spoons while eating breakfast and suddenly think; I need to up my peace of mind!
I don’t remember it being taught at school – and getting more peace of mind isn’t something that fits into conversation with your mates.
But getting more peace of mind is your key to so many benefits. A lot less anxiety and stress. Enjoying the moment rather than dreading the future. Being able to relax without panic setting in. Feeling less angry and resentful. These are just a few of the benefits peace of mind will give you.
In other words, it’s well worth taking a second to think about how you can get more of it.
What is Peace of Mind?
Going back to my original question, ‘what does peace of mind mean to you?’, I can tell you what it means to me. Peace of mind is not being controlled by anxiety, worry and stress – and not letting these things destroy my life like they used to. It’s being able to enjoy doing things in life (even the basic things) without dreading doing them. At the very basic level, it’s being able to sit and close my mind off to all the BS life throws at us. It’s being able to feel the anger, hate and resentment that builds up in us all at times, but also being able to stop these emotions from destroying my day, week and year.
You might have a different answer. Everyone is different.
But we can all benefit from feeling better. I’m sure we can all agree with that. We can all benefit from less anxiety and stress, and more balance, control and joy.
Although peace of mind isn’t something you get overnight, it is something you can work towards getting more of. And you can start today.
The best time to plant a tree was forty years ago. The second-best time is today.
The reason I say more peace of mind is because, for most of us, absolute peace of mind is pretty difficult to achieve. It’s reserved for the monks and the Buddhists. Most of us have got these things that get in the way of our peace of mind called jobs, money and relationships.
Assuming you’re not planning to ditch these things and take a trip to the Tibetan mountains to rekindle with your inner spirit, here are some other everyday practices you can start implementing to get more peace of mind – available to us all.
Living in the Now
Living in the now (in the present moment) is a skill not to be overlooked.
Our anxiety and stress are caused by worrying about the future (what might happen) and the past (what has already happened). When we learn to live more in the present moment, it cuts the worry about the future and the past and, in turn, breaks the cycle of anxiety and stress. At the very least, it interrupts the anxiety and stress, giving you the break you need to sort your thoughts out.
The best book I’ve read on living in the now is The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It goes deep into what living in the now means and ways to achieve it. Because of its deep message, it is spiritual and heavy at times. But when you wade through the heavy stuff, the message is clear and profound.
To many, the message is life-changing.
Focus on What You Want
Your focus is everything. What you focus on you get more of.
If you’re dealing with high levels of anxiety and stress, it’s because you’re focusing on it. You might think not focusing on your problems and worry is easier said than done. I more than most hear that and know exactly what you mean.
But it is worth remembering that you have a choice. We always do.
By placing your focus on the things that you can control, rather than on the things that are only going to produce more worry, you’re choosing to at least try to change your state of mind. Your anxiety, stress and worry might not drop instantaneously, but given time, it will continue to fade as you continue to focus on the productive things in your life – the things you can control.
By focusing on these things, your strength and mental energy will grow, and you’ll be ready to start managing all those problems that were causing you all that hassle.
Do the Things You Enjoy
Talking about focus and balance, there is no better way to improve both of these things than by doing the things you enjoy.
It’s the most obvious suggestion from the bunch, but I mention it because we’re all guilty of not doing enough of the things we enjoy. The usual routine for most of us is getting up in the morning, going to work, getting stuck in traffic, scoffing our dinner, watching a bit of TV and going to bed. Where’s the balance?
If you’re dealing with too much of the negative monotonous stuff without balancing it out by doing the stuff you enjoy, you’ll topple over.
So here’s a quick question: What did you do last that you really enjoyed?
Do it again, and don’t stop doing it.
Ditch the Need for Revenge
Here’s a good one you might not have considered.
One of the quickest and easiest routes to more peace of mind is ditching the need to revenge.
We get so caught about he did this, and she did that, we forget about how it makes us feel.
Pride takes hold, and we end up doing things we regret.
Pride is bullshit. Pride will keep you trapped. Ditch it, and quick.
What did getting angry ever do for you? It might make you feel good to hit something or spit your venom for a bit, but what is the feeling of resentment doing for you? It’s normal to blow off a bit of steam, but it’s important that we learn to move on. The alternative is a constant pattern of bitterness that rots us from the inside out.
Content people don’t need to revenge.
Concentrate on being yourself. Don’t allow the actions and words of others to dictate how you want to act and feel. Go about your own business and run your own race.
If someone is acting in a way you don’t like, it doesn’t mean you have to act in the same way. Acting differently is exactly what you want. It’s what allows you to live in a different state of mind to the masses – a more peaceful state of mind.
You’ll always achieve the greatest peace of mind by being true to yourself – by being the good person that you are.
🎙️ Take a listen to the Podcast: Get More Peace of Mind.
(Don’t forget to subscribe and rate.)
I fully respect doctors and the work they do. There is no doubt those guys have a tough job.
Anxiety-related symptoms and disorders make their job ten times harder.
Because anxiety and stress can be related to pretty much any symptom. Headache. Neck ache. Sore throat. Fever. Fatigue. Sleeping problems. An itchy toe. You name it – it’s linked.
I was in and out of the doctor’s surgery.
I didn’t have a clue if I were coming or going – and I don’t think the doctor did either.
The constant need for reassurance was the overriding issue.
If you’re stuck in a cycle of anxiety (fear), it’s likely you’ll be visiting the doctor often. It’s also very likely you’ll be hitting the internet to see Dr Google for answers.
You might stay stuck in the cycle because you’re not finding the answers you’re looking for.
Because I know how deep the need for answers and constant reassurance goes, I want to give you some quick answers to typical anxiety-related symptoms and disorders that you won’t hear from the doctor.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
Summed up, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is created because we feel out of control in at least one area of our lives. OCD is a way for us to try and get that control back – even if it means coming up with pointless routines that don’t mean anything. So if you hate your job, for example, and feel like there is nothing you can do about it, you might develop OCD as a way of coping with it. Getting back in control (or at least feel like you’re in control) will stop the need for compulsive behaviour.
In short, panic attacks are bullies that we create when we’re dealing with high anxiety. We become hypersensitive to all our bodily feelings, and when something is off kilter, even slightly, it can cause us to panic (have a panic attack). When you start managing high anxiety better by implementing all the proper lifestyle and mindset changes, panic attacks become a thing of the past.
At its very basic level, social anxiety is the need to avoid other people. When you’re highly anxious and stressed, one of the last things you feel like doing is going to make idle small talk with your mates. When we feel like crap, we prefer to do it in the comfort of our own homes. Longer-term issues with social anxiety arise because avoidance feels good (at first). As time goes by, social anxiety gets worse when we appreciate a reclusive lifestyle isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. When we get comfortable with the fact that EVERYONE deals with the same issues, including high anxiety and stress, we stop feeling so isolated. We also improve relationships with others – and in turn, drop the social anxiety.
Getting straight to the point, health anxiety is the fear of death. If you’re familiar with my DP Rule from Anxiety Rebalance, you’ll know that our two primary fears are Death and People. When you start dealing with these fears, health anxiety becomes much less of an issue.
Constant Worrying Thoughts
In a nutshell, constant worrying thoughts are brought about by the ‘what if’ type thoughts we produce when we’re anxious and stressed. ‘What if this. . . What if that. . .’. One thought leads to the next, and before you know it, a small problem has turned into a monster. Learning to control our thoughts will stop the monster from getting out of control.
Depression (Depressive Thoughts)
Very simplified, depression is a lack of energy and willpower. Being highly anxious and stressed zaps our energy. Energy gives you the get-up-and-go you need for the things you want (and need) to do in life – even the basic everyday things take energy. You can’t do anything without energy. When you’re ready to start working on upping your energy levels through various methods, like good diet and exercise, it helps combat the negative and depressive thoughts.
Planning on building a nest in the mountains?
How’s about hunting for small mammals?
Not very useful, everyday stuff. I get that. You’re happy with your cosy bed and prefer your meat when it’s not running away from you.
But there is much more we can learn from the amazing creature that is the eagle.
Eagles operate on another level when it comes to their way of thinking. If we can act on just one of these things, we can start elevating our own lives.
Here are six of the top lessons an eagle can teach us.
(Although I have nothing against pigeons, I’ve used them in my examples to demonstrate the opposite of what an eagle does. It’s got a lot to do with the fact that, if a pigeon crossed an eagle’s path, it wouldn’t be one of its best days.)
1. Eagles fly above the clouds
When there is a storm, birds take shelter in the trees. Eagles take flight and soar above the clouds to avoid the storm altogether. When the pigeons are squabbling, let them squabble. Use your soaring capabilities and fly above it to a place of quiet and tranquillity. The clouds will shelter you from the unnecessary and pointless noise below. The next time you find yourself getting involved, think like an eagle and soar above it.
2. Eagles are loyal
Eagles are monogamous and generally mate for life. Behind every strong man is the love of a good woman, and of course, vice versa. You’ll find pigeons interbreeding and not being too fussy about what back they jump on. In human terms, this means lots of one-night stands that lead to your private bits dropping off. Keep your bits intact and think like an eagle – stay loyal.
3. You don’t see eagles coming
If you’re familiar with the film Avatar, they call it ‘The Last Shadow’. If an eagle’s prey saw a shadow above them, it would be the last shadow they ever saw. Be cautious about putting all your cards on the table. Not everyone needs to know your next move. The element of surprise can be effective.
4. Eagles play the sole game
There is strength in numbers, and it’s said that a wolf’s pack is its true strength. But it’s also worth noting that pigeons flock together and congregate in groups. Eagles hunt and fly alone. Bruce Willis kicked a bunch of bad guys ass in Die Hard all by himself. Don’t be afraid to operate by yourself, just like Bruce and the eagle.
5. An eagle sees things
An eagle’s sight is about five times better than ours – we can’t compete with that. An eagle will see things well in advance of what a pigeon would. But a human operating with an eagle’s foresight might be able to predict the future quicker and therefore act before anyone else. Knowledge is potential power – it only becomes powerful when you take action. When you arm yourself with knowledge and act on it, you will be steps ahead. I bet if an eagle could read you’d see them in libraries all the time.
6. An eagles tears prevent infection
Men in particular need to pay attention to this one - due to the macho demeanour we like to portray and belief that crying equals weakness. Man, woman or beast, having the odd cry is normal and OK. Eagles are so aware of this fact that their tears prevent their eyes from becoming infected. Maybe if we all had a good cry every now and again (men included) and didn’t suppress our shit, we would be less susceptible to infection ourselves?
Be an eagle.
How is your relationship with food?
Over the years, my relationship with food has been an interesting one.
I love food. And what anyone says, food is love.
I regard eating out in a decent restaurant as one of life’s few pleasures.
Because of the above, I’ve never quite cracked the body that I would consider as being ‘toned and athletic’. The machine at my gym says I’m ‘solid’ and ‘borderline obese’. After swearing at it and giving it a swift kick, I come to agree with the fact that I could benefit from losing a few pounds.
But do you not think it’s also important to strike a balance somewhere?
You can sacrifice too much in life - to the point where sacrifice means absolute torture. The thought of not being able to eat out and living off leafy salad every day sends a shiver down my spine. I’d rather tuck into a spaghetti bolognese (a vegetarian one – I’ll come to this in a second) than a garden salad.
With this said, my relationship with food has got better.
A lot of this has to do with the fact that I had to make significant changes in my diet to resolve issues with my high anxiety.
I used to live off takeaways and fast food, and without me realising it, my diet had a profound effect on how I felt, including my levels of anxiety and stress.
It’s only since I’ve sorted my diet out I’ve come to discover that food, drink, and everything else we consume is one the biggest contributors to how we feel, including our mood and well-being.
I’m no nutritionist, health expert or health freak. I won’t pretend to be an expert when it comes to diet. I can only go on my personal experience and the knowledge I’ve picked up from others. Here, I’m sharing some of this knowledge about a few of our biggest consumptions, including the things that, when addressed, can change your life significantly.
My intention with this blog is simple: To get you thinking about what you’re putting in your mouth – because you are what you eat, drink and consume.
Just by changing a few habits, whether about food, drink, or anything else that goes between your lips, it can make a serious impact on your life.
Processed Food & Sugar
‘Fat-free’ advertising is massively misleading.
What do you think when you see ‘fat-free’? You think: That must be healthy, right?
The reason it’s so misleading is the sugar content. A product, like fat-free yoghurt, might well be fat-free, but it’s crammed full of sugar – which is just as bad for you!
When food is processed and refined, like white sugar, it goes through a process that takes it from being natural to very unnatural. That’s why all the white stuff, like white sugar, white bread and white rice are so bad for us. By the time they come out of the other end, they are transformed into something that we need to think twice about consuming.
Just look at it like this: What were our ancestors eating?
It depends how far you want to go back to answer this question.
If we go back about 10,000 years, we were eating plants, meat, eggs and fish – straight off the land. It’s only been in about the last 100 years (1910’s) that we’ve started eating processed foods. In other words, our bodies aren’t designed to deal with as much processed food as we tank into them.
Our bodies have naturally evolved to have more of a varied diet, but it wasn’t designed to healthily consume things like humanmade trans fat – the type of fat you find in cakes and biscuits that increase its shelf life – commonly linked with obesity, heart attacks, high cholesterol, diabetes and strokes.
If you’ve read the news recently, you’ll also see processed foods being linked to cancer.
And where did processed food come from?
Like most other things that are bad for us, it comes about from the need for profit – the need for companies to make money. Putting food through a series of processing makes producing large quantities of food cheaper and makes the company more profitable.
The solution and conclusion?
Eat as much raw, unprocessed and organic foods as you can.
My relationship with meat, like with food in general, has been mixed.
The longest time I spent not eating meat was about six months. I have to say; it felt pretty good – to the point I’m not entirely sure why I ate meat again.
At the time of writing this, I’ve been off meat again for about two months, and this time I plan to make it stick.
One of the biggest influences in my decision was when I watched the documentary What the Health. If you haven’t seen it, the documentary explores the meat industry and tells us why a vegan-based diet is best for us.
The documentary, like so many others within its genre, has come under fire for supporting weak data. I’m not really bothered about that. For me, the message was strong enough to support my existing concerns about the meat industry.
Whether you’re into animal welfare or not, meat is one of the biggest subjects we need to address when it comes to our diet and how we feel. Why? Just take a second to think about how much meat you consume (if you’re a meat-eater). It’s a ton of the stuff.
In today’s culture, a meal isn’t complete unless there is a bit of meat on the plate. For me, that meant I ate meat every day. Now you have an idea of volume, think about these other few things.
- You are eating what the animals eat.
- Do you know what is going into the meat to preserve it (both when the animal is alive and dead)?
- How many animals are being killed daily to feed you and the world’s population?
- The thing you see on the plate is very different to the living creature grazing happily on the field.
I’m not preaching here. I certainly don’t want to make you feel like eating meat is a bad thing, and you are a bad person for doing it. Based on the thirty plus years I ate meat, that would make me a hypocrite. I’m not the type of semi-vegetarian who will slap it in your face. If you love meat, I will cook it for you.
As I mentioned, this isn’t a blog about me telling you what you should and shouldn’t eat. I’m just letting you know that, based on the facts, I decided to stop eating meat. While this decision feels right, I’ll continue with it.
When you get more educated about meat (if you choose to), you’ll come up with your own conclusions. Whether you decide not to change a thing, stop eating it, cut it down or eat meat from sources you can trace, that decision is yours to make.
If you do want to know more, I recommend watching the documentary What the Health. That, I’m sure, will lead you to other documentaries and sources that will interest you.
DISPELLING A MEAT MYTH
One of the reasons I kept eating meat was the belief I would be physically weaker if I didn’t eat it. That is rubbish. Some of the most powerful animals in nature, including gorillas and elephants, are vegetarian. And if that doesn’t convince you, go to YouTube and type ‘Vegan Bodybuilder’.
And in regards to energy – one of the most energy-zapping things we do is digesting food. Red meats, in particular, are very hard to digest and take up a lot of our energy. How do you feel after you’ve eaten a big steak dinner compared to a light salad? You need energy to cope with anxiety and stress, so it’s worthwhile having a good think about your diet and how it might be making you feel. Is what you’re eating slowing you down and zapping your energy, or is it boosting it?
*PARTY POOPER ALERT!
If you don’t wish to be party-poopered (if there is such a term), end your read. Thank you for coming this far – see you in the next blog. If you don’t mind a little more lecturing, read on . . .
At the height of my high anxiety, I would happily consume a bottle of wine every evening. One glass would quickly (and way too easily) lead to the fourth.
It was an incredibly short-term solution to a long-term issue – which was only being fuelled more by the consumption of copious alcohol.
Yes – alcohol helped me relax and took my cares away for a few wee hours.
But no – alcohol didn’t help me sleep, and I felt like absolute shit the next day. I’d wake up most mornings feeling like a zombie with anxiety hitting me instantly.
Alcohol (ethanol) is poison – quite literally – hence the term: Alcohol Poisoning.
When you drink alcohol, you are poisoning your body.
This very true fact hasn’t stopped me from drinking the stuff. And why should it? The stuff is legal and easily obtainable.
I still enjoy a glass of red - but with one big difference – I do it in moderation.
And like most things in life, when you do it in moderation using your common sense, it should be absolutely fine.
Small steps lead onto big things.
And it’s true - you don’t need to jump in with both feet to get the result you want.
This said I’ve not always operated in this way.
We’ve all heard the stories of the Dad who throws his kid (the kid who can’t swim) straight into the deep end. The kid either swims or sinks.
This method makes the Dad an arsehole, but it also makes the kid a very fast learner.
I got to a stage in my life where I got tired of allowing anxiety, fear, or whatever you want to call it, a dominant force in my life.
Maybe you’re at this stage yourself right now?
Small steps towards change were no doubt helping me move towards where I wanted to be. But it was the big jolters – the throwing myself in the deep end when I couldn’t swim – that really did the trick.
When I had a lifelong fear of heights, I got in a small plane, flew 8000 feet and piloted it. When I was agoraphobic, I got on a plane and flew 5000 miles to Vegas. When I was a private person apprehensive about sharing my experience, I wrote a book and shared it with the world.
In these experiences, was I crapping my panties? Of course I was. Did they work out perfectly? Nope. Was every part of me telling me to turn back, with my thoughts convincing me that I didn’t have to do them? Yep.
These things weren’t life or death, so you could say I didn’t have to do them.
But I told myself that I had to.
I had to because I knew I had a choice.
Behind Door #1: Keep allowing anxiety (fear) to dictate my life and continue complaining about how bad my life is and how nothing changes.
Behind Door #2: Crap my pants, but do it anyway. Expand the comfort zone I’d got myself trapped in, and grow beyond the fear.
YOU HAVE THE SAME CHOICE
Nothing will be as bad as the fear you produce within yourself.
Most of this fear is an illusion.
In other words, those ‘what if’ thoughts that you produce are as bad as it will ever get.
Think of the times you were scared to do something, but you did it anyway. Maybe you were forced to do it because you had to? Was it unpleasant? If it meant you were growing, it’s likely it was.
Compare this to a time when you were scared to do something and avoided it. Maybe you’re still avoiding it? Where has it got you? Usually, it’s an emergency trip to the dentist in agony with an abscess that could have been avoided months ago (at a lot less cost).
Choosing door #2 will allow you to look at your fear(s) differently, whatever they may be.
- The bully boss will think twice about bullying you.
- Indecision and lack of direction won’t plague you.
- The pigeon who thinks they can take advantage of you will get a sharp lesson in dealing with an eagle.
And these are just a few everyday examples of the benefits of dealing with fear head-on, rather than using avoidance to hide. Think of the possibilities.
We all have the capability to face our fear and push through it.
So let me ask you this question: What are you afraid of?
By all means, keep taking those small steps towards where you want to be.
But if you want quicker results, and you’re scared of the sea, go and swim with the sharks.
If you don’t buy the happy-clappy BS that typically comes with positive thinking and being more positive, I don’t blame you.
I've never been one for jumping high-fives, affirmations, and all the other stereotypes when it comes to positive thinking and being more positive.
(Give me a break.)
But (and there is a big BUT) while we're trying to lower our anxiety, we have to make an effort to become more positive with our thinking and attitude – whether or not we believe thinking more positively is a pile of bollocks.
When you’re feeling anxious, it doesn’t take negative thoughts much effort to take over, right?
One negative thought leads to the next, and before you know it, you hate the world and every mo fo who lives on it.
Life is shit, everything is shit, and nothing will ever change.
I get it.
But if we don’t try and counteract these shitty negative thoughts with better ones, you’ll stay trapped in a cycle that takes you deeper into an anxious and a stress-filled hole.
Assuming you don’t want to stay in this hole, you gotta start thinking different.
Because I don’t buy into the whole positive thinking stuff myself, I prefer to think of it as being more optimistic.
Be More Optimistic
When you're anxious, your glass of milk is always half empty. (Actually, it's more like completely empty!)
We always believe the worst and expect the worst to happen.
This attitude is not only fuelling our misery and anxiety, but it's also attracting some serious negative energy into our lives.
Anxiety will have you believing all sorts.
Most of it is rubbish, and you'll know to dismiss it. Most anxiety-induced negative thoughts shouldn't concern you.
The thought that we're going to focus on here is the one that relates to us believing that our lives will never change. The one that convinces us that we're destined to live an anxiety-ridden life and nothing will ever change.
It goes a little like this:
'My life will never change. This f'ing anxiety just won't budge. I had an alright day yesterday. I don't understand why today is so bad again. My life is a f*ing mess. Nothing will ever change.'
(Or something similar to that.)
You're going to have good and challenging days.
The challenging days will become fewer and far between when we stop allowing anxiety to trick us into believing that our lives will never change. These statements and ways of thinking only serve to fuel the negativity and anxiety further.
It's time for some more optimism.
Emotions are Temporary
You have every right to be more optimistic.
I mean, you're one of the few that have been clever enough to come across my blog – that puts you close to genius!
I'm not naive to believe that the challenging days aren't the most difficult. Everyone has challenging days, including me. But they affect me a lot less than previous because I remember one vital piece of information.
A bad day is just that - one bad day.
Tomorrow is a new day.
We've all had those days when we've felt like we could kick a wall down in anger. Or when we've been in a spiral of anxiety that doesn't seem to end. But it did end - didn't it? It always does.
That's because our emotions are temporary, including feeling anxious and stressed.
That piece of information alone should be enough to get you on the path of more optimism.
Do you remember a time when you felt terrible, but felt completely different the next day?
Maybe you felt different because something positive happened, or you decided that feeling like crap just wasn't worth it.
Sometimes changing how we feel requires time, but the better you get at remembering all emotions are temporary, the quicker you can change your state of mind - including having more optimism and less anxiety.
The next time anxiety starts to bite, remember that it is temporary.
The next time you have a challenging day, remember that is also temporary.
The same goes for any situation or period of time.
It's as temporary as you make it.
ANXIETY REBALANCE COURSE
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