I used to avoid self-help.
Just the term ‘self-help’ would be enough to put me off.
There was a real embarrassment attached to it for me.
Me? Self-help? How dare you!
My internal picture of self-help included high-fives, cheesy grins, groups of people jumping up and down, and arms raised up to the sky as people were overcome with an invisible power.
Although this is partly accurate, the embarrassment I attached to self-help was seriously holding me back.
That’s why I’ve dedicated this post to anybody who feels the same – because if you give self-help a try, it might just change your life.
Here are six reasons you need self-help and why you shouldn’t be embarrassed about it.
Nobody is perfect, but odds would say that, right now, you have toxic people in your life.
Let’s define what I mean by toxic people:
Ring any bells?
It’s the last point in this list that is the most important because toxic people will bring you down without hesitation.
Identifying toxic people in your life and doing something about them will prevent you from lots of unnecessary hardship and unhappiness. Why?
It’s estimated that about 10% of us have a phobia about visiting the dentist.
Not surprising, when you consider we associate a trip to the dentist with needles, drills, and pain!
We can all relate to this, and most of us have had a problem with seeing the dentist at some point in our lives. But is it really as bad as we think? Should it provoke as much anxiety as it does, or are we just overreacting?
I spoke to one of the country’s leading dentists, Dr. James Russell, who you’ll probably know best from Channel 4’s Embarrassing Bodies.
As one of the country’s leading specialists in restoration and cosmetic dentistry, Dr. James Russell has seen the most desperate and highly anxious patients – people who are so anxious about seeing the dentist they’ve avoided it for years – sometimes even decades.
I asked Dr. James Russell why he thought people were so scared of the dentist, and what you can do to overcome anxiety at the dentist.
If you’ve been avoiding the dentist I hope this interview offers you some words of encouragement, and gives you the strength to pick up the phone and make the appointment.
It’s never as bad as you think it’s going to be.
About Dr. James Russell
James Russell is a dentist with a special interest in cosmetic and restorative dentistry. He has been accredited by the British Academy of Cosmetic Dentistry. This highly prestigious award is given in recognition of excellence in cosmetic dentistry. James is the youngest dentist to achieve this. In 2010 James was voted as the 5th most influential dentist in the UK and in 2011 was voted #1 in the Private Dentistry Elite 20.
His opinions and skills are regularly in magazines, on radio and since 2009 James has been the dental expert providing advice and treatment on Channel 4's highly popular, BAFTA winning, Embarrassing Bodies program. James is a UK opinion leader for Ivoclar Vivadent and when not working in clinic James regularly lectures in the UK and abroad.
They did with me, for sure.
Audiobooks have a way of elevating words, and if read by the author, they can give you a deeper understanding of the message.
My intention with Anxiety Rebalance was to give you another level of support you might not get from a book. With audio, you can carry me around with you on a device (like a mobile phone) in your pocket. If you’re struggling with anxiety or panic attacks you can put your headphones in and get instant support – from somebody you know that’s been there and understands. Most importantly, somebody who can talk you through it and help you overcome it.
We’re not all readers and some of us just don’t have time to sit down to read a book - audiobooks can offer the perfect solution. When I go to the gym I pop my headphones in and before I know I’m halfway through a book and ready for a shower (two birds, one stone). I’m not the quickest reader, and it can take me weeks to read one book. With audiobooks, I can do two or three a week – plenty more knowledge and personal growth.
If you’re a regular downloader of audiobooks I have no doubt you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t given them a go yet, I highly recommend you give them a try – you won’t regret it.
Thank you to everybody that has listened to the Anxiety Rebalance audiobook. It’s a bestseller on Audible, and you can find it here
Here’s my full interview with Audible on SoundCloud
A big reason I searched for answers as long as I did is because of the rubbish I kept being told, mainly due to the fact they were after my money and more concerned about telling me what I wanted to hear, rather than giving me information that would help.
It became apparent, if I wanted change, I’d have to go and find the answers myself.
Along that journey I came across facts I didn't want to hear. But, I realised if I wanted to overcome anxiety and experience lifetime change, I had to accept the rough with the smooth, which sometimes meant dealing with things I didn’t want to.
Here are four things that others won’t tell you about anxiety.
1. You Have to Face Your Fears
I was once told that I’d never have to face my fears. I’m sure you agree, this sounds nice, but it’s complete rubbish. If you want to overcome anxiety one of the first things you need to do is face up to it, otherwise it will rule your life for however long you let it.
I’ve been lying to my family and pretending to go to work, but I’ve not been going for the past few weeks because I’m too anxious. I’m getting harassed and bullied and I’m having spells where I get dizzy which gives me panic attacks.
Things have never been this bad and I don’t know what’s going to happen, especially when my wages don’t come in as usual to pay the bills. I feel like I’m letting my family down. I want to be strong but I just feel depressed and want to stay in bed which is making things worse.
You need to get back to a level playing field so anxiety can’t dictate your thinking. When you’re feeling stressed and anxious it will cloud your judgement and make you believe there’s no way out. It’s very easy to get into a spiral, and although you might not think it right now, there is a way to change your situation as quickly as it happened.
Hiding the truth from your family isn’t doing you any good. The first step is to be honest. You might feel like you’re letting them down, but you’re not. You’re going through a challenging period that everybody at some time faces, and a supportive family will understand and recognise that. It takes bravery to open up and be honest, but no more bravery than having to face what you’re currently going through.
Once the truth is in the open you can move forward and deal with it. Including your family will help you appreciate you’re not dealing with the situation on your own. This will give you the strength and belief you need to move forward in a different direction.
If you feel like you need to talk to somebody outside of your family unit, find a good counsellor who will help talk through the things that need to be brought to surface. To deal with the panic attacks and anxiety at work there will be underlying fears that need to be tackled, and a good counsellor will help you do it.
Nobody deserves to be bullied, and bullies only do what they do because of the reaction they get. When you’re brave enough to get the truth out there and start speaking about whats really on your mind by exposing your fears, the bullying will stop - both internally (panic attacks) and externally (at work).
The cycle of being overstressed and becoming ill became too obvious to ignore.
I’d let things build up, hold things inside, not talk to anybody, and pretend I was coping just fine. It always led to me being ill.
My illnesses consistently followed the same pattern, revolving around my throat. It would start with a sore throat, which progressed onto a throat infection (tonsillitis), which caused lots of other physical symptoms (cold sweats, fever, headache, neck ache, nausea, lack of energy) leaving me completely bed bound, normally for weeks at a time.
Not uncommon. I’ve known anxiety sufferers who have spent months at a time in bed. In an effort to protect themselves from the stress they’re trying to bury their bodies completely shut-down.
Some of them recognised their symptoms as being stress / anxiety related, and others lived in denial, like I used to - probably because like me, they saw being ill as a weakness, and didn’t want to face up to the reality that being bed bound was caused by anxiety / stress.
Why can’t I cope with the stress that life throws at me? Everybody else seems to manage it.
(Obviously not true, but that’s what you believe when you’re not feeling great.)
It’s a horrible cycle to be trapped in, but is it breakable. The key to breaking the cycle lies in regaining your balance.
What does BALANCE mean to you? How do you know when you’ve achieved it, and what’s the end goal?
These are all important questions, and to help answer them I’ve put together the Rebalance Scale.
SCALE 7: Panic
Panic – my best friend for many years! Obviously, I’m being sarcastic – there is nothing about panic that would ever make me class it as a friend. As a high-anxiety sufferer, I have no doubt you’ll know all about it. You’ll know that it sits at the top of the scale because it represents the most extreme form of anxiety and causes an array of unwanted symptoms, typically including sweating, dizziness, nausea, heart palpitations, shaking, numbness, tingling, chest pain and discomfort, loss of breath, a smothering or choking sensation, a dry mouth, a churning stomach, chills and hot flushes … and any other symptom the mind can muster.
At the height of my high anxiety, panic attacks were a daily occurrence. Some were caused by obvious triggers, such as going to the supermarket. (The supermarket was a particular struggle for me, and always induced panic.) At other times, a panic attack would creep up on me without warning. I could be doing something as trivial as watching TV, when all of sudden I’d start to feel disorientated and uncomfortable. Because nothing obvious was causing these feelings, I’d panic because I didn’t know what was going on.
It didn’t matter how many times I experienced panic attacks and got through them, each time I was convinced there was something more sinister going on. I really believed I was ill and had a serious medical condition. It was incredibly frustrating. I’d plead with the doctor: ‘Please diagnose me with something – anything – so I can stop this torment and move on.’ But, as in so many other cases of panic, that diagnosis never came.
Examples of panic
SCALE 6: High anxiety
High anxiety is best explained using the analogy of a swimming duck. Everything above water (on the outside) might appear calm, but underneath the water (on the inside) you’re frantically paddling, trying to hold things together. I spent most of the fifteen years I suffered living like this. I’d be sitting on my sofa watching TV, yet feel like I was at war on the frontline. From opening my eyes in the morning to going to bed at night, high anxiety ruled my life, and all my decisions were based around it.
Examples of high anxiety
SCALE 5: Above-normal anxiety
These symptoms are similar to those of high anxiety, but are less pervasive. You’re able to operate and cope in everyday life without anxiety dominating your decisions, but it still plays its part, manifesting itself through mild forms of anxiety-related disorders.
Examples of above-normal anxiety
SCALE 4: BALANCE
Sitting comfortably within normal levels of anxiety and energy, BALANCE is the optimal place to be. You’re living an active and healthy lifestyle without anxiety and depression dictating your decisions and actions. Anxiety isn’t present in your immediate thoughts, and it only presents itself when genuinely needed. Until then, it sits quietly as your life companion, keeping you away from danger and helping you make sensible decisions (doing its job properly). You don’t feel tired or drained, and have enough mental and physical energy to cope with life’s usual daily challenges.
It’s likely you’ll be able to recall a time you felt like this, but if it’s been a while, let me remind you what it feels like.
What BALANCE feels like
Most importantly, BALANCE means FREEDOM. No hang-ups, no emotional ties, no psychological baggage – just you, living how you want to live.
SCALE 3: Below-normal energy
Because anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, it’s present at both ends of the scale. It will zap your positivity and happiness, and work with depression to lower your energy. The lower your energy, the greater your depression. Scale 3 represents lower than normal energy, which could be the early signs of a deeper depression.
Examples of below-normal energy
SCALE 2: Low energy
Scale 2 represents a deeper anxiety-induced depression and a lower level of unhappiness; you experience the same symptoms as with below-normal energy, but to a greater extent.
Examples of low energy
SCALE 1: Sleep
At the very bottom of the scale, sleep represents extreme depression, just as panic represents an extreme form of anxiety. I went through long periods of both. When I was deeply depressed, all I wanted to do was sleep all day. It felt as though my body was shutting down (like when you reboot your computer), and sleep was my only escape from the clutches of anxiety. On average, I would sleep sixteen hours a day – twice as long as the average adult needs. In the few hours I was awake, anxiety had a way of sucking any remaining bit of life out of me. My energy became non-existent, and I felt mentally and physically exhausted every waking second of every day. It made breaking the anxiety and depression cycle very difficult, because all I wanted to do was (you guessed it) sleep more.
At the other extreme, sleep deprivation (caused by high anxiety) was the worst symptom I experienced. I know exactly what it feels like to be a zombie on The Walking Dead. Three days of not sleeping properly, red-eyed with dribble running down my chin, unable to talk, was as bad as it got for me. This is a typical example of the continuous rigmarole I went through on a nightly basis:
As soon as my head hit the pillow I have racing thoughts about all the bills that need to be paid this month and the work I have left to do. I’m exhausted, but it doesn’t matter how tired I am, I just can’t fall asleep.
I lie there with my eyes wide open, just staring at the ceiling, until I’m so frustrated I decide to get up. I make myself a drink. I know going back to bed will be a waste of time so I lie down on the couch and put the television on. It keeps me company so I don’t feel so alone.
My eyes are heavy. I look at the clock. It’s the early hours of the morning and I start to panic – I’m desperate to sleep because I know I’m going to feel like a zombie at work the next day.
Eventually, panic subsides, and through pure exhaustion I fall asleep at around 4am. After a few hours I wake up on the couch, feeling like I haven’t slept at all. I immediately start to feel anxious, and I’m already worrying about how I’m going to get through the day.
I dread going to bed because I know it’s all going to happen again.
Eventually, with time and practice, I sorted my sleep out. If I hadn’t done this, I had no chance of overcoming anxiety and depression. That’s why I can’t stress enough how important it is to get it right. A strong pattern of sleep combined with the ability to relax is essential for achieving BALANCE.
If sleep is a problem for you (and I’m guessing it is), rest assured – we’ll look at how to combat it within Part 4, Ten Actions to Achieve BALANCE.
This was an excerpt taken from the book, Anxiety Rebalance by Carl Vernon.
On your journey of discovering BALANCE, you are going to have good and bad days (you need the bad ones to help you appreciate the good ones!). The bad days can make you feel like you’re going backwards, however, that’s normally far from the truth.
Seeing evidence of your progression on paper will help you realise that the bad days are just a small part of the bigger picture.
I found the easiest way to track my progression was using an excel sheet – here’s a template you can use.
For the next few weeks, write down the date, day, a rating from 1-10 (where 1 is absolutely abysmal, and 10 is the best day you’ve ever had), and a short note highlighting what you did on that day (like a diary entry).
After a few weeks, take a look at your results.
Were there particular days that scored well, or badly? What were you doing?
Did you feel better on Wednesdays because you’d been to the gym?
Did you feel bad on Sundays because you had nothing to do?
Ask yourself questions based on your results and look for clues.
By writing down the reasons behind your moods, you can make the changes needed. For example, if on Monday you felt particularly anxious, write down what you were doing (or not doing) on that day. Do the same if you were feeling particularly good on Thursday.
When you track what you’re doing, the facts speak for themselves. Those bad days that make you think you’ve gone backwards are easily contradicted by actual results. You might be pleasantly surprised by your progress.
It doesn’t matter what your sheet looks like. The only thing that counts is that you see progress. If you don’t, keep looking for those clues. If you can’t find them, look harder – they’re definitely there. They hold the key to your change.
If you need to, go back to the ten actions to achieve BALANCE (in the book Anxiety Rebalance), and keep taking action. Positive change will come.
I’ve mapped out a daily routine which I found ideal – and easy to follow – over the first three-month rebalancing period. I understand that, due to work/life commitments, you will have to make some modifications (such as when you start work), but try to stick to the core activity as much as possible – the more closely you can follow it, the better.
By following these few simple instructions you will instantly begin to feel more energetic, vibrant, motivated, positive and enthusiastic – key ingredients needed for BALANCE. Over time, the routine will become easier to follow, eventually becoming second nature. Keep it up, and you’ll be rewarded with a lifetime of change.
Gaps in the routine should be filled by work or a focused activity or hobby.
6.30 am: Get out of bed
6.45 am: Exercise
7.45 am: Shower
8 am: Healthy breakfast (no caffeine)
10.30 am: Snack
12.30 pm: Healthy lunch
3 pm: Snack
6 pm: Healthy dinner
6.30 pm: Plan for the next day
7 pm: Wind down and relax until bedtime
10–11 pm: Go to bed.
Get out of bed as soon as you wake up
Start your day as you mean to go on. As soon as your alarm goes off or you wake up naturally, get out of bed. Don’t lie in bed procrastinating – it allows anxious thoughts to creep in. Concentrate on the plan you made yesterday and go for it.
I find that exercising in the morning before I eat breakfast gives me the best results. It also sets me up for the day by keeping me energised.
Shower every day. It’s not only important for hygienic reasons, but it will refresh you and help wake you up, ready for your day.
Keep your energy levels up throughout the day by snacking regularly on fruit (a banana is ideal) and nuts. If it helps you to stay organised, set your alarm or set an alert on your mobile phone when a snack is due.
Plan for the next day
You already know how important it is to have focus, and planning for the next day is the most effective method of getting it right. If the next day is a work day, plan what you need to do. If you’re not at work, plan your activities in advance. Book something (if possible) and commit to it.
Find time to relax
In a busy schedule that includes family and work, it can be very easy to forget about your own needs, only to regret it later when you’re overstressed and exhausted. Even if it’s only half an hour, take time to relax every day. Put your feet up, make yourself a hot drink (no caffeine!), and shut yourself off from the world. Read a book, or do something that allows you to wind down. If it helps, close your eyes – and if you doze off, so be it!
Go to bed at a reasonable time
Aim to get eight hours of sleep every night. Some people need more, some less. Establish what you need by how you feel when you wake up, and aim to get that amount of sleep daily.
The best way to connect with Carl and join the discussion is on his Facebook page