I used to avoid self-help.
Just the term ‘self-help’ would be enough to put me off.
There was a real embarrassment attached to it for me.
Me? Self-help? How dare you!
My internal picture of self-help included high-fives, cheesy grins, groups of people jumping up and down, and arms raised up to the sky as people were overcome with an invisible power.
Although this is partly accurate, the embarrassment I attached to self-help was seriously holding me back.
That’s why I’ve dedicated this post to anybody who feels the same – because if you give self-help a try, it might just change your life.
Here are six reasons you need self-help and why you shouldn’t be embarrassed about it.
Driving anxiety drove me up the wall!
A massive fear of mine was losing control of my car, especially on the motorway.
Whenever I hit the motorway I’d get an intense feeling of being trapped, and thoughts like ‘what am I going to do if something happens to me and I’m stuck’ would race around in my head. It would cause a panic attack, and I’d have to pull over on the hard shoulder while trying to control my breathing and disorientation – not nice.
The fear got so bad I avoided the motorway at all costs.
The trouble was, by avoiding it, my anxiety about driving on the motorway kept getting worse over time, and I continued to avoid it as long as I could (which ended up being months).
My comfort zone kept shrinking until I became fearful of driving altogether, and I panicked at just the thought of having to drive.
I have no doubt lots of you reading this will be able to relate to driving anxiety – it’s a common high anxiety symptom.
Here’s a question I received from Olivia about driving anxiety. She’s going through a very similar experience to mine, proving how common it is.
As soon as I get on the motorway I start feeling anxious and panic. I get dizzy and feel like I'm going to lose control of my car. If I drive too close to a lorry or big vehicle I feel like I'm going to crash into it, so I slow down and try to avoid it.
I panic when I just think about driving on the motorway, and it’s getting to a point where I feel as though I’m not going to be able to do it anymore. A few days ago I had to get a friend to go on the motorway with me because I was too afraid to go on my own.
Luckily I don't have to go on a motorway to get to work, but it is preventing me from travelling to see friends and family. I'm restricted where I can go unless I get somebody else to drive or be with me, but I don't want to keep depending on others.
I’ve noticed I’m getting more and more nervous about driving on normal roads, and I’m scared it will get to a point where I’m not able to drive at all. I can’t imagine living without my car, so it scares the life out of me to think I might not be able to drive.
Driving anxiety convinced me that the motorway was a danger to my survival, so I was always on high alert. That’s why I panicked at just the thought of having to drive on the motorway, and why I avoided it at all costs.
It was only when I had a make-or-break meeting for work I had to brave it. I didn’t have anybody to drive me at the time, but if I didn’t attend, I’d lose one of my biggest clients.
I feared public transport just as much as driving at the time, so I decided to opt for the car.
The journey to my client was about an hour, but it felt like ten hours! It was a very shaky affair, but I managed it without the need of the hard shoulder.
It was far from easy, but after the deed was done, I felt more confident.
With this newfound confidence, I decided to hit the motorway again the next day. It still wasn’t easy, but again, my confidence was growing.
I could have got somebody to accompany me, but I decided this was something I had to do on my own; otherwise I’d always be dependent on someone else.
I didn’t want the momentum to end, so I decided to go on the motorway every day for the next week, even if I didn’t need to.
Every day got better.
When I felt trapped and like it was getting too much, I reminded myself what the motorway was – a bit of concrete like all the other roads I drive on. This perception of the motorway helped me rationalise my fear and put it into perspective.
I focused on the end goal rather than the extremely slim possibility that something bad would happen.
With time and practice, I overcome my fear of driving on the motorway by facing it head-on. It’s the only way to do it. If you keep avoiding driving on the motorway, how are you ever going to know if you can do it?
It was tough, to begin with. I was convinced something bad would happen, but I had to break through this fear if things were going to change long-term.
I knew if I kept avoiding the motorway the fear will continue to get worse, making it harder to overcome the fear. In the end, that wasn’t an option. Like you, Olivia, I couldn’t imagine my life without my car.
As I said, overcoming driving anxiety was difficult, to begin with, because I was working against my survival instinct (fight or flight).
But with practice and time, it will become second nature again, like it did with me. The feelings of disorientation and dizziness will disappear, and the fear will dwindle away.
In the end, I believe my fear of being dependent on others was the driving force behind me overcoming my driving anxiety. My desire to see my friends and family when I wanted, and be free to live my life on my terms, outweighed my fear of driving.
It’s our biggest fears that put us into action. If you fear losing your independence over driving on the motorway, I have no doubt you’ll overcome the fear too.
Watch my video on driving anxiety on Facebook and Instagram.
A big reason I searched for answers as long as I did is because of the rubbish I kept being told, mainly due to the fact they were after my money and more concerned about telling me what I wanted to hear, rather than giving me information that would help.
It became apparent, if I wanted change, I’d have to go and find the answers myself.
Along that journey I came across facts I didn't want to hear. But, I realised if I wanted to overcome anxiety and experience lifetime change, I had to accept the rough with the smooth, which sometimes meant dealing with things I didn’t want to.
Here are four things that others won’t tell you about anxiety.
1. You Have to Face Your Fears
I was once told that I’d never have to face my fears. I’m sure you agree, this sounds nice, but it’s complete rubbish. If you want to overcome anxiety one of the first things you need to do is face up to it, otherwise it will rule your life for however long you let it.
I’ve been lying to my family and pretending to go to work, but I’ve not been going for the past few weeks because I’m too anxious. I’m getting harassed and bullied and I’m having spells where I get dizzy which gives me panic attacks.
Things have never been this bad and I don’t know what’s going to happen, especially when my wages don’t come in as usual to pay the bills. I feel like I’m letting my family down. I want to be strong but I just feel depressed and want to stay in bed which is making things worse.
You need to get back to a level playing field so anxiety can’t dictate your thinking. When you’re feeling stressed and anxious it will cloud your judgement and make you believe there’s no way out. It’s very easy to get into a spiral, and although you might not think it right now, there is a way to change your situation as quickly as it happened.
Hiding the truth from your family isn’t doing you any good. The first step is to be honest. You might feel like you’re letting them down, but you’re not. You’re going through a challenging period that everybody at some time faces, and a supportive family will understand and recognise that. It takes bravery to open up and be honest, but no more bravery than having to face what you’re currently going through.
Once the truth is in the open you can move forward and deal with it. Including your family will help you appreciate you’re not dealing with the situation on your own. This will give you the strength and belief you need to move forward in a different direction.
If you feel like you need to talk to somebody outside of your family unit, find a good counsellor who will help talk through the things that need to be brought to surface. To deal with the panic attacks and anxiety at work there will be underlying fears that need to be tackled, and a good counsellor will help you do it.
Nobody deserves to be bullied, and bullies only do what they do because of the reaction they get. When you’re brave enough to get the truth out there and start speaking about whats really on your mind by exposing your fears, the bullying will stop - both internally (panic attacks) and externally (at work).
On your journey of discovering BALANCE, you are going to have good and bad days (you need the bad ones to help you appreciate the good ones!). The bad days can make you feel like you’re going backwards, however, that’s normally far from the truth.
Seeing evidence of your progression on paper will help you realise that the bad days are just a small part of the bigger picture.
I found the easiest way to track my progression was using an excel sheet – here’s a template you can use.
For the next few weeks, write down the date, day, a rating from 1-10 (where 1 is absolutely abysmal, and 10 is the best day you’ve ever had), and a short note highlighting what you did on that day (like a diary entry).
After a few weeks, take a look at your results.
Were there particular days that scored well, or badly? What were you doing?
Did you feel better on Wednesdays because you’d been to the gym?
Did you feel bad on Sundays because you had nothing to do?
Ask yourself questions based on your results and look for clues.
By writing down the reasons behind your moods, you can make the changes needed. For example, if on Monday you felt particularly anxious, write down what you were doing (or not doing) on that day. Do the same if you were feeling particularly good on Thursday.
When you track what you’re doing, the facts speak for themselves. Those bad days that make you think you’ve gone backwards are easily contradicted by actual results. You might be pleasantly surprised by your progress.
It doesn’t matter what your sheet looks like. The only thing that counts is that you see progress. If you don’t, keep looking for those clues. If you can’t find them, look harder – they’re definitely there. They hold the key to your change.
If you need to, go back to the ten actions to achieve BALANCE (in the book Anxiety Rebalance), and keep taking action. Positive change will come.
I’m currently at college and being bullied in class and through social media mostly on Facebook. I’m used to it as I’ve been bullied throughout school as well and can deal with it but it’s the anxiety and panic attacks that really gets to me. I’m always nervous and anxious about attending classes and checking my Facebook in case I get horrible comments. I know if I can deal with the anxiety and panic attacks better I’ll be able to get through college easier.
Firstly, I’d like to say how brave I think you are. Being bullied is horrible, and nobody (including you) deserves it, whether it’s in class or through Social Media on Facebook.
Don’t concern yourself about why they bully you – in most cases, it’s not personal. It’s just a reflection on how they feel about themselves, and bullying is a way for them to get it out.
Here’s the thing about bullies – they need fuel to stoke their fire.
If you show a bully they really bother you, they’ll keep doing it, because they get their pleasure from seeing the distress. When you don’t give them fuel (by showing them that their actions and words don’t bother you) it puts their fire out. They’ve got nothing to work with, so on most occasions they stop.
That’s the same with panic attacks, which is why I describe panic attacks as ‘psychological bullies’. Panic attacks also need fuel (a reaction from you) to work. When a panic attack begins and you react to it with more panic, it fuels it. Instead, don’t panic and accept the feelings that come with it rather than fight them, and with a bit of time they disappear.
Action for Change
Stop fuelling the bullies fire (by bullies I’m referring to both the ones at college and panic attacks). Don’t give them the reaction they’re looking for. Don’t give them your energy – they don’t deserve it. Starve them of oxygen, and they’ll disappear.
YOU ARE BRAVE. You proved that by looking for help. Use this courage to move forward.
It might take the bullies a little time to adjust to the fact that things are going to change, so be patient. With a bit of time, things will change.
If you need that extra bit of help, you might find this link to Bullying UK helpful.
I’m proud of you. Keep going, you can beat them.
Money makes the world go round (so they say), but what about when it stresses us out so much we can’t sleep at night, eat properly, and live a normal life?
Money is undoubtedly one of the biggest causes of our stress, but before you say it’s because you don’t have any, it’s a fact that millionaires worry about money just as much as somebody working hard to get by.
Whatever financial situation we’re in, we’ll always find something to stress about when it comes to money.
Let’s have a look at 3 reasons why money will stress you out, and what you can do to ease the worry.
When you’re in debt (like most of us are), you not only have a financial responsibility and obligation to pay it back, you have an emotional attachment and commitment. The more emotional attachments and commitments we have, the more stressed we tend to be. It’s because they sit on our minds and mount up like a pile of paperwork. The higher the stack, the more pressure we’re under. If you want to own a house or car, debt is usually unavoidable, so the answer isn’t to avoid it – the answer is to deal with the emotional attachment debt creates. You have to accept the fact that whatever debt you have, it will form part of your mindset, and be part of you. If that’s a struggle for you, and you’re lucky enough to be in a position where you have little debt, it would be best to keep it as limited as possible. If your debt is already spiralling, limit your spending, and if you need to, speak to financial professionals that can help you manage your debt. There are plenty of options to help including charities like the National Debtline.
2. You’re afraid you won’t keep up with the Joneses
Your neighbour has just bought a shiny new car, and the neighbour on the other side of you is also planning a purchase. Your car is now over five years old. How will it look in the middle of two shiny new cars? A very materialistic view, I know, but we’re all guilty of it. Most of us are so concerned about keeping up with the Joneses we forget about what’s really important – being happy! Who cares if your neighbours have newer cars than you do, or your friend has just bought a bigger house than you own? When it comes down to it, these things are insignificant, and will only add to your stress and anxiety if you let them. It’s your happiness that really counts. Focus on yourself and your own wellbeing, not the Joneses.
3. You’re scared of losing money
There will always be a fear attached to money, in one form or another, and losing money is way up there. As I mentioned above, millionaires are just as likely to worry about money as anybody else. Even though they have great wealth, they fear losing the money they have, and it’s this fear that keeps them working 80hr weeks. Millionaire or not, none of us enjoy losing money (if you do, I would suggest you have a problem), but it’s likely to happen to us all at some stage. An investment might go wrong, something depreciates in value rather than goes up, John doesn’t give you the £50 back he owes you, or the housing market crashes. The balance in life dictates that these things will happen, and it’s the savvy ones that understand this and compensate for it that deal with the stress and anxiety money creates the best.
I lived with social anxiety (social phobia) for most of the 15 years I had anxiety and depression. It was one of the most debilitating and horrible anxiety disorders I went through. Socialising was a dirty word and people intimidated the hell out of me, which is why I avoided social opportunities like the plague! Weddings, parties, events (and all the other fun stuff) were completely non-existent. If I were invited I’d worry about it for days. By the time it came to the event it was too late - I was exhausted from the worry, and too ill to go.
When you overcome social anxiety like I did, your life will completely change. You’ll realise that people aren’t the source of intimidation and torture you thought they were. Together, you’ll make things happen, and your life will be much richer for it.
Here are the top five reasons why I had social anxiety, and why you do too.
1. You don’t have anything to say
Anxiety will keep you locked away and insulated in it’s tiny little world, and the more your comfort zone shrinks, the less likely it is you want to see other people. Small talk (or any talk) is impossible when you don’t have anything to talk about. If you don’t have anything to talk about, the last thing you want to do is talk to other people. That’s why it’s so important to get yourself out there and do things you enjoy, like hobbies and classes. They give you things to talk about with people that share your interests. They also boost your self-esteem, giving you the confidence to get involved, chat, and express what’s on your mind.
2. People intimidate you
Public speaking is consistently our number one fear, which means that other people frighten us. What other people think about us is everything, and we’ll do anything to get approval. If you don’t think this is accurate, try going to the supermarket in just your underwear! For me, I was particularly frightened about having a panic attack and embarrassing myself in front of others. The fear was so overwhelming I isolated myself. When I realised people were the source of so much happiness, joy, excitement, and comfort, I started to see them in a different light. They no longer intimidated me, and I could build relationships built on trust. When you’re able to see people in the same light, your relationship with them will change too.
3. You feel helpless
When you’re socially anxious you feel completely helpless. You look at everybody else chatting and having fun and believe that you’re the only person struggling. ‘Why can’t I strike up a conversation, but everybody else can?’ The reality is that’s far from the truth. Unless you’re a networking genius (and very few are), most other people are as intimidated as you are – they just hide it better or have practised socialising a little more than you. You’re not helpless; you’re just like most other people. All you need to do is practice socialising more and remember that it’s completely up to you how others make you feel. When I realised I possessed this power, I could either take something somebody said with a pinch of salt, or use his/her words to inspire me to take action.
4. You have low self-esteem
I didn’t think people would be interested in what I had to say, so I didn’t say anything. I was always the quiet one keeping my distance in case somebody asked me a question. ‘What me; you want to know what I think? Oh…well…I’m not sure…’ My cheeks go as red as ripe apples, and I stutter my words. Part of getting past this feeling of embarrassment is being confident in the knowledge that you have a lot of great things to say, and people do want to hear it. You are unique and special, and there will be things you know and say that others will find fascinating. When you break through the feeling of inadequacy there will be no stopping you.
5. You get comfort from staying at home
When a socialising opportunity was cancelled I got an immediate sense of relief, almost as though a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders. This short-term relief kept me in the belief that I was doing the right thing by avoiding socialising completely. In reality, all it was doing was keeping me locked away and isolated, until I became too afraid to leave my house (I was agoraphobic for over 3 months). Breaking through the fear of social anxiety is absolutely worth it – believe me, it will change your life. Don’t be fooled by the short-term comfort you receive from using avoidance. Very soon, there won’t be anything left to avoid.
Q: I’ve worked for my company for about 3 years now, and a new manager has just taken over our team. He’s horrible and comes into the office every morning angry. As soon as I see him he puts me on edge and I worry that I’m not doing my work properly and that he’ll make a scene in the office. He’s belittled me in front of my colleagues on more than one occasion and doesn’t have any respect for me. He’s doubled my workload, which I’m struggling to cope with. I’m feeling anxious when I go home, and I worry about going to work the next day. My job is quite specialist so there's not a lot of other roles available. When other jobs do come up, they normally require me to relocate, which I can’t do because of my family. My anxiety and stress levels are really getting out of control, and I’m not sure what to do. Can you help?
A: If you work full-time you’ll be spending most of your time at work, and based on how your boss treats you, it’s unsurprising that he’s the cause of most of your anxiety and stress. You’re certainly not alone in this – unfortunately, there’s enough bad managers to go around the equator, twice. First and foremost, don’t take it personally. It’s highly likely that your boss acts the way he does because of his own anxiety and stress. That’s, of course, no excuse to treat you the way he does, but it helps if you can also see it from his perspective – that it’s nothing personal, and his way of dealing with it.
Like any fear (in your case, the fear of your boss), the first thing you need to do is confront it; otherwise it will continue to cause you excessive anxiety and stress that will affect both your home and work life. Ask to speak to your manager privately, and calmly and assertively tell him your concerns. Write them down and practice them, so you feel confident about what you’re going to say when you talk to him. Highlight why you’re unhappy about the way he talks to you, and how it makes you feel. Include the fact that you want to work to your full capability for him and the team, but don’t feel you’re able to do your best work under these circumstances. Don’t be afraid to be honest, and be specific. For example, when you mention that your workload is excessive, tell him why based on your previous work, and use facts to back up your case. With a strong enough fact-based case, a rational boss (good or bad) won’t have any other choice but to cut your workload, especially if they want to keep a good employee. Confrontation isn’t easy, I know, but it’s no harder than going home at night feeling anxious and stressed, dreading the prospect of going to work the next day.
The meeting is likely to go one of two ways:
1. Your boss will respect you for being brave enough to confront him, and he’ll start to show you the respect you deserve. In this instance, your working life will completely change. You’ll be given a fair workload, and the abuse will stop.
2. If your boss doesn’t change his attitude towards you, it shows his true character. He’s a guy you don’t want to work for, and he’ll never change. In this circumstance you have two options: you can either go above his head by speaking to his manager, or you will have to look for another job. I know the latter isn’t fair on you, but unfortunately, you have to accept that you get good and bad characters in the workplace – he’s one of the bad ones, so move on. Look for a new job sensibly, and research it well (so you don’t go from the frying pan into the fire). Be as professional as you can be whilst you’re still working for him.
Whatever happens, remember, you’re the bigger person. It’s up to you whether or not his words and actions cause you stress and anxiety, or whether you decide to take them with a pinch of salt. You’re in control, and there’s nothing you can’t deal with or change.
ANXIETY REBALANCE COURSE
The best way to connect with Carl, catch him live and join the discussion is on his Facebook page