The next time you get a worrying or anxious thought I want you to remember D.A.D.
‘What’s DAD got to do with anything?’, I hear you say.
Remember D.A.D is a simple but highly effective technique I’ve created to help you take control and deal with all your thoughts (anxious or not).
When you appreciate that it’s you creating all your thoughts, you can take more control of them. When you take control, you’ll deal with your anxiety and stress instantly.
Because we have about 60,000 thoughts a day, you can’t control all of them – that’s impossible. But you can manage them better, and remembering D.A.D will help.
Here’s how to use the D.A.D technique.
When you have the next worrying or anxious thought stop everything that you are doing.
Sit down (if you're not sitting already), and question that worrying thought immediately.
Don't allow it to spiral out of control, and don't dwell on it.
Don't try to understand it and think deeply about what it means.
Don’t allow the usual ‘what if’ type thoughts to spiral out of control.
Simply comprehend that you’ve had the thought and take control by picking one of the three D.A.D options to manage it.
Stats tell us that most of the thoughts we have are useless, which means you should be ditching most of them. If you decide that the thought is no good for you, and its only purpose is to cause you more worry and anxiety, decide to ditch it. Let it go. Give it a gentle nudge and tell it to move on. You have the power to do that - because you're in control.
If you decide that your thought requires immediate action, don't leave the spot until you take action. Anxiety and stress are caused by feeling out of control, and taking instant action puts you in control. That action doesn't need to fix whatever it is that induced the thought - it can be something small - like making a call, sending an email or having a chat with someone. By taking action, even if it's just a small step, you're putting yourself back in control.
If it is something that can wait, write it down and go back to it. I find the easiest way to do this is using Evernote (a free app that keeps you organised). Get the thought out of your head and put it onto paper (or text) and on to your to-do list. This will release the thought and stop it from bouncing around in your head. If you have an online calendar, like Google Calendar, you can set an alarm so you can go back to it. That way you're not ignoring it or pretending that it doesn't exist (like the bill you don't want to pay). Instead, you're dealing with it at a time that is better for you.
When you manage all your thoughts (worrying or otherwise) using these three options, you'll find you manage your anxiety and stress much more effectively.
Make remembering D.A.D a habit, and with time and practice, it will stick.
How easy is it, when somebody gets your back up, to immediately get angry and feel hateful towards her/him?
It’s an immediate natural reaction, so it’s really easy, right?
But what has harbouring anger, hate, resentment, jealousy, anxiety, stress (and any other negative emotions you can think of) ever done for you?
Nothing, except make you feel like crap.
When you allow somebody else to make you feel like crap, you’re only extending your mental pain and suffering by continuing to harbour the anger, hate, resentment, jealousy, anxiety and stress.
It’s time to let go of it – for your sake – not theirs.
If somebody does you wrong, I’m not necessarily saying you should forgive and forget. What I am saying is, for the sake of your own feelings and well-being, you should let go and move on. In other words, you should forgive but don’t forget.
If you don’t let go and move on, you’re only harbouring all those negative feelings that will continue to make you feel like crap. That means that you’re allowing whoever it is that has caused you pain to continue that pain.
You’ll be the one causing all your mental pain and suffering.
It might feel as though you have no control over these emotions at times, but anger, hate, resentment, jealousy, anxiety and stress are always a choice. I know this because these emotions always begin with a thought, and that thought is then manifested as a feeling.
You have control over what thoughts you choose to act on, and that means that you do have a choice whether or not you allow these emotions to dominate you.
How does that make you feel to know that you have a choice to feel these negative emotions, just as much as you have a choice to feel the good stuff like happiness, joy, love and contentment?
When I discovered this fact, it made me stop and think – and I’m hoping it’s doing the same for you.
By learning to let go and move on, I stopped harbouring all those negative emotions that were no good for me, which made me less frustrated, angry, anxious and stressed.
I still experience all these things – I just don’t allow them to dictate how I feel, including whether or not I’m going to have a good or bad day.
If somebody pisses me off, for example, I won’t allow the mental pain and suffering caused from that to define who I am.
People will act as they act. You have no control over that. You only have control over you – including how you choose to react and how you feel.
Dependent on the level of the suffering and pain you’ve experienced, some of you will find this harder to take on board than others – I appreciate that.
I’m not diluting the fact that anger, hate, resent, jealousy, anxiety and stress aren’t incredibly difficult to overcome. I know first-hand how difficult it is. But it still doesn’t take away from the crucial fact that these things are a choice.
When it comes to anger, hate, resent, jealousy, anxiety and stress, we prefer to look at these things as though we have no choice – like they are put on us. The biggest issue with this is we become a victim to them.
When you’re a victim of circumstance, you tell yourself that there is nothing you can do – so you continue to allow these negative emotions to dominate you. That will keep you trapped in a negative cycle, and you’ll always be a victim.
The next time you feel any of these emotions, remember that you have a choice.
To help you remember, I’ve listed the solutions as 3 A’s. These are the three things that will end your mental pain and suffering.
The first A to end your mental pain and suffering is acceptance. You could also call this A ‘Appreciation’. Like Carl Jung said: ‘What you resist persists.’ You’ll only feel the full force of something when you fight it. When you accept and appreciate something, including its reasoning and why it’s happening, it can no longer cause you further mental pain and suffering. Stop fighting whatever it is you’re fighting, and learn to let go. This doesn’t mean you have to put up with it. Letting go could mean walking away. Remember: forgive but don’t forget.
The second A to end your mental pain and suffering is attitude. An extended version of this is ‘attitude of gratitude’. It’s impossible for any negative emotion to overcome you when you are in a state of gratitude. For example, you can’t be anxious and grateful at the same time. Dock leaves grow next to stinging nettles because nature always wants to provide us with a solution. Gratitude is nature’s solution to all that is negative. Practice gratitude daily.
The third A to end your mental pain and suffering is affection. It’s probably the hardest ‘A’ of them all, but it’s also the most powerful. How can you show love or affection to somebody who might have physically or mentally abused you? How do you make friends with an emotion like anxiety and stress - emotions that might have destroyed your life for decades? How do you say ‘hello’ to somebody who has done you wrong? These are not easy questions to answer, but getting even close to the answer offers you a lot more mental freedom. Imagine the freedom behind being able to let go, move on and forgive what you hate. It’s an ‘A’ I’m still working on, so I’m pleased to be able to join you on this journey myself!
Would you let a plumber fix your boiler if they had no qualifications or experience? Not gonna happen!
If you’re not going to let somebody play around with your boiler, how do feel about your state of mind and well-being?
I recommend counselling to anybody going through a difficult period. Communicating what’s on your mind is a BIG contributor to you moving forward and getting better. It always will be. Bottling things inside and pretending things are OK only lead onto more issues, like breakdowns.
You’ve got to be able to talk, and that’s where a good counsellor comes into play.
A good counsellor will not only listen to you but also have the experience and knowledge to help guide you through your tough time.
Notice I say ‘a good counsellor’.
Like with all professions, there is good, bad, excellent, and downright shouldn’t be in that professional at all!
Like a plumber and most other professions you can think of, a counsellor could set up their own practice overnight – without any experience or qualifications. The fact that somebody calls himself a counsellor doesn’t make it so.
We can all call ourselves whatever we like – it doesn’t make it the case.
If you’re going to let a plumber loose on your boiler, you’ll want reassurance he knows what he’s doing. (A big reason why the best tradesmen come through recommendation.) If you’re going to let somebody loose on your state of mind and well-being, you should also look for reassurance that they know what they’re doing.
It’s up to you to find out what experience and qualifications a counsellor has. Don’t take it at face value.
When I was dealing with high anxiety, I met with at least four different counsellors. Some were good, and some were not so good.
In hindsight, I should have moved on from the bad ones sooner. But I didn’t. Why? I thought I was the problem. I thought, surely somebody with all that experience and all those qualifications can’t be that bad – it has to be me.
I have lots of respect for good counsellors, so I want to clarify what I mean by a ‘bad’ counsellor. Having now had the pleasure of meeting some great counsellors, I can compare them to the not so good ones.
Here are a few defining signs of a bad counsellor, including things to look out for.
Guilt trips. Lack of confidence. Wanting to please others.
Just a few of the reasons why we end up saying YES to doing favours, working overtime and doing things we don’t want to do – even when we know we should say NO.
You’re a nice person. Nothing wrong with that. But if you find yourself saying yes to everything you’re asked, it won’t be long before the misery kicks in.
You’ll be burnt out, depressed, skint and desperate before you know it!
Here are five things to start saying NO to more often. When you say NO to these things more often, you’ll find you’ll take back control and your life will be much more bearable.
1. Other people’s BS
People will bring you great joy. But if you let them, they’ll bring you a lot of shit too! It’s time to start saying no to their BS. If they want to bring their toxic behaviour and drama into your life, say ‘NO’. Cut it out without hesitation. Let them know that you will no longer suffer fools lightly. They’ll soon get the message, and your life will be much better off for it. The next time the gossip comes up, or somebody is chewing your ear off with negativity, cut it out.
2. Constant favours
As I mentioned - being a nice person is a good thing. There is nothing wrong with wanting to do nice things. But it does put you at risk of being taken advantage of. If somebody calls you at 1 am in the morning asking you to give them a lift home from partying all night, it won’t be long before they’re calling you at 4 am. Everybody has to have boundaries, including you. The next time the call comes in, say ‘NO’. The same goes for any favours that go beyond being reasonable including giving away your two most valuable assets: your time and money.
3. Being in places you don’t want to be
Life is way too short to put up with doing things you don’t want to do, including going places you don’t want to go. I’m not talking about being ignorant or selfish. Sometimes we’ve got to do things we’re not happy with – it’s all part of having good relationships. But if you find yourself constantly being in places you don’t want to be, hanging around with people you don’t like, say ‘NO’.
4. Going to a dead-end job
If you work full-time, you’ll be spending most of your life at that job. If you absolutely hate your job with a passion, it basically means you hate your life. When it comes to work, including toxic bosses and dead-end jobs, there is always a better option. Say ‘NO’, and explore what your options are further. If you’re feeling stuck, The Less-Stress Lifestyle will help.
5. Living in the past
Living in the past is causing you serious, unnecessary stress and anxiety. I know this because when we live in the past, it’s usually because of negative reasons. If your childhood was messed up, you made a mistake, or you regret something you did, it’s time to let go of the past and say ‘NO’ to it. Move forward with the lessons you learnt, and don’t allow the past to haunt you. The trick here is to learn from the past because if you don’t, you’ll keep making the same mistakes you always have.
There’s nothing like sitting down and watching a decent film.
I like to take something away from every film I watch. I believe there is a message, hidden or otherwise, in all decent films.
If you haven’t switched the film off in the first few minutes because it’s rubbish, you’ll get something out of it. A lot of what you get depends on your mood, how you feel at the time, and what you’re looking for.
Here’s what I learnt from my top five films (in order of my favourite first).
#1 – The Matrix
What is there not to love about The Matrix? Putting aside all the Kung Fu and bullet dodging (which, don’t get me wrong, is brilliant), there is a serious message going on. For me, that message is quite simply: Wake the f*ck up! You are part of a system. If you allow that system to control you, it will. If you don’t take control of your life, you will drift. You will just survive, rather than thrive. To make changes in your life, you have to get educated and become aware. If you want improvements in your lifestyle, begin by getting educated. You can have more if you want it, but first, you have to wake up.
#2 – Terminator 2
I’ll also include the first Terminator film here. (Terminator 3 – not your best one, Arnie.) With the rise of AI (Artificial Intelligence), who knows – the machines may well take over one day. But that’s not the defining message I got from the film. The message I got is about dealing with toxic people. This is what Kyle Reese says when he’s warning Sarah Connor about the Terminator: ‘Listen, and understand. That terminator is out there. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop.’ Some toxic people in life are the same, and you should avoid them just as much as you would the Terminator.
#3 – The Wolf of Wall Street
Leonardo DiCaprio does an amazing job of playing a hedonistic drug addict. His outstanding performance is equalled by how good the film is. Anyhow – I’m not writing a film review – so back to the message. The Wolf of Wall Street perfectly sums up the fact that money will only ever get you so far. It’s a short-term view to think you can do what the hell you like for a few years and not have any consequences. At the risk of sounding like a complete killjoy, most things in life are OK in moderation, but what you’re doing today is shaping your future. As well as thinking about what you’re going to do today, start planning for the next five years. Otherwise, the future might not be so bright.
#4 – Catch Me If You Can
Another Leonardo DiCaprio film on my list – and what a cracker it is. Frank Abagnale (the con man Leonardo plays) fooled everybody – to the point of becoming a fake co-pilot, lawyer and doctor – all before his 18th birthday! (This is a true story!) The message? For me, a positive one. If you don’t ask, you don’t get. Do you think Frank cared about the fact he might get rejected? Do you think he allowed the fear of people to hold him back? Not in the slightest. Although a lot of what he did was immoral, there’s a lot to be learnt and admired from what he did. The level of freedom you can get from not caring about what people think is immense. It helps you achieve pretty much anything you want, as demonstrated perfectly by Frank Abagnale.
#5 – Drop Dead Fred
I grew up as a Rik Mayall (Bottom) addict. He made me cackle just as much in Drop Dead Fred when he played an imaginary childhood friend to a miserable kid. Part of her misery was her control freak, OCD led mother, who was affectionately known as ‘The Megabeast’. So the first lesson – if you’re a parent putting too much pressure on your kids, you might also have an interesting nickname. The second lesson from the film is not to let the kid in you die. Life is serious enough. Don’t ever forget your humour. It shouldn’t take an imaginary friend you had as a kid to come back into your adult life to remind you. You can start having more fun today. It is a choice, and you don’t have to wait. What would the kid inside you do? Sometimes it’s worth paying attention to him or her – especially when anxiety and stress is biting.
From time to time, low mood hits all of us - some of us more often than others.
There are different levels of low mood, from having a bad day (which happens to us all) to the very extremes of contemplating suicide.
However you’re feeling right now, I want you to know that you always have options. There isn’t a situation or scenario that can’t be changed.
If you are even close to thinking about giving up, or you feel as though your low mood will never lift, I want you to consider these four important points.
Chester Bennington and Robin Williams appeared to have it all. Fame, fortune, family – everything that we perceive you could desire. But it wasn’t enough. They ended their lives by committing suicide. All the material possessions and money in the world doesn’t mean anything unless you’re filling the gap within you. And that gap is everything to do with your purpose. When you’re being true to yourself, you’ll discover what it is that drives you – that is your purpose. When you have purpose, you have everything to live for. Having purpose will lift your low mood much quicker, and feeling down won’t affect you as often. If you’re feeling stuck and struggling to find your purpose, a good start is to help others.
In some cases, when you feel as though your low mood has been around for ages, it’s easy to believe that it’s never going to go away. You feel as though your life will never get better, and you end up settling for the fact that things will never improve. But the fact is, low mood is temporary, however long it is. Just like problems – all problems are temporary. Remember that tomorrow is a new day – a new opportunity to do and be something different. You’ve already got through 100% of your problems. That means you’ve already proven your strength. Use this strength to remind yourself that how you feel right now isn’t fixed, and it can change if you want it to.
It’s time to beat away those grey clouds, and one of the quickest ways you can do it is by getting your focus right. When we’re feeling low, we focus on everything that is bad. When you consider that you’re going to get more of whatever it is you focus on, you appreciate that this is the reason you end up going around in a cycle of misfortune and bad luck. Ditch the ‘what ifs . . .’, and focus on the things you can control – the things that are going to push your life forward, and not hold you back with false beliefs. Focus on the things that count, like your goals and hobbies.
The cherry on top of all of these points is action. The one thing that took me out of feeling like shit is action. Plain and simple. If it weren’t for me taking action, I’d still be lying in bed anxious, worried and stressed about all the ‘what ifs . . .’. Taking action was the one thing that got me out of the mire. It started with me making a choice: either stay as I am or take action and do something about it. Taking action doesn’t need to be anything extravagant. It can be something small. The main thing is that you just take action, because like a snowball effect, it will lead to more action. Before you know it, your low mood (depression) no longer affects you the way it did previously. You’ll still have bad days (there is no getting over that – everybody does), but they will be fewer and far between.
Listen to my podcast on Getting Over Feeling Low.
Listen To The New Carl Vernon Podcast: Talking About All Things Anxiety, Stress, Success & Wellbeing
I’m excited to share my new podcast with you – a new way for us to connect.
I love podcasts and use them a lot myself.
It’s not always easy reading a book or watching a video, and podcasts are perfect for when you’re on the go.
You can listen in the car, at the gym, going for a walk, at work – anywhere you can put your headphones in!
In this first podcast, we’re going BIG by covering the two biggest subjects.
I’m talking about my DP Rule, and how it can help you overcome your fears.
If you’ve read Anxiety Rebalance, you’ll most likely know about the DP Rule, and in this podcast, I wanted to give you a little more insight into how it helped me deal with my fears and overcome anxiety.
You can listen to it directly from here on SoundCloud. Or if you’re a proper podcaster (if that’s the proper term?) you can listen from iTunes and subscribe to my podcast on there – the link is below at the bottom of this post.
My aim is to get at least a new podcast out every week, and I’ll be covering lots of exciting subjects – everything to do with anxiety, stress, success and wellbeing – to help you break out of your comfort zone, make positive changes, and improve your lifestyle for the better.
Be sure to subscribe on iTunes, so you don’t miss out on future podcasts – click the logo below to go to my podcast and subscribe.
If you like what you hear, don’t forget to rate and review.
Thank you for taking the time to listen, and along with my other stuff, I hope my podcast helps you on your journey!
All the very best,
Nobody knows what’s around the corner.
A job loss, a bereavement, an illness – lots of us are affected by these things daily, but we don’t equip ourselves to cope with them well – so we end up getting stressed and anxious to the point we struggle to cope.
It’s because we don’t like change. Change causes us big anxiety and stress.
We like things just as they are – that way we know exactly what’s going to happen. The more predictable something is, the less likely it is to cause us hassle.
The trouble with allowing the fear of change to dominate us is we end up stagnating. We end up staying in relationships we know are no good for us. We stay friends with toxic people. It’s why we stay in jobs we hate and get us nowhere.
We would rather stay in these bad situations than face the scary, unpredictable future we know nothing about.
I don’t want you to stay living a substandard life, so the thing I want to throw out there to you is this:
Is facing the unpredictable future any scarier than doing all the things you know are no good for you?
It’s worth a ponder.
Sometimes we need to stop and think about why we’re doing what we’re doing, so we don’t end up just going with the flow, and accepting a lot less than we deserve.
The fear of change shouldn’t be the thing that drives you – it should be the fear that nothing will change. Regret.
I won’t pretend to know all the answers to help you cope with the fear of change, including all the unpredictable situations that will crop up. But I can offer you one solution that will no doubt help you cope with it much better going forward. And it’s this:
Expect the unexpected, including the fact that change is going to happen.
When you expect change, including the problems and situations that come from nowhere, they can’t shock the life out of you.
Expecting the unexpected will prepare you for anything that might crop up.
I’m not saying you have to live in a constant state of alertness. Just prepare yourself better, so things don’t shock you as much, causing you the type of stress and anxiety you won’t be able to cope with.
When you expect it, you’ll cope with whatever comes up 100 times better.
Change isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If you outgrow your job, or your friends, or the people in your life, it means you’re growing.
Things might seem tough to begin with, but you’ll deal with it – because you have to.
The future might be unpredictable, but isn’t there more fun in that, compared to plodding along? Just because it’s unpredictable, it doesn’t mean it’s negative. Stay positive.
If you believe things happen for a reason, then it’s just as easy to believe that positive things will come.
Make Expect Change your new mantra.
Have you noticed how happy people are rarely sick, and how stressed and miserable people tend to get sick all the time?
I know I can relate to this.
When I was anxiety-ridden, stressed-out and miserable, I was ill, all the time.
If it weren’t a headache, or cold, or neck ache, or tonsillitis (or the other hundred anxiety and stress related symptoms), it would always be something else attacking me.
My immune system felt non-existent, and it didn’t take much to make me bedbound.
It’s now been a while since the last time I was ill, and I can pinpoint it back to about the time I started to sort my lifestyle out.
If I’d have continued living the type of lifestyle I was, including working every hour under the sun in a job I hated, I have no doubt I would be dealing with the same issues of being constantly ill.
How you feel mentally directly affects how you feel physically, and here’s the proof.
Norman Cousins was an American Journalist who wrote a book called Anatomy of an Illness.
After being diagnosed with a debilitating illness, doctors told him they couldn’t help him, and that he would live in pain for the rest of his life.
Norman checked into a hotel and rented every funny movie he could find, watching them over and over again, laughing hysterically at each one.
After six months of his self-diagnosed laughter therapy, doctors were amazed to see that his disease had completely gone.
This is an incredible example of how we feel mentally directly affects how we feel physically. But it’s also a significant example of why we shouldn’t forget to laugh.
DON”T FORGET TO GET YOUR DAILY DOSE OF ENDORPHINS
Endorphins are the chemicals released into your body when you laugh.
Research has shown they have a similar composition to morphine and heroin, and they help to build your immune system – you just heard how good they were for Norman.
Life, with all its stresses, puts us in serious mode, and unless you’re a natural at tapping into happiness (and most of us aren’t), you won’t be getting the regular endorphin hit that is so good for you.
Even if it’s just five minutes a day, put on a comedy or watch your favourite comedian.
Get the daily dose of endorphins your body craves and deserves.
The Office (UK) is my usual stop-off if I want a good chuckle.
Suicide is one of the leading causes of death among young people being bullied.
But it’s not just young people being affected by bullying. Bullying takes shape in all areas of life, and it’s just as likely to affect adults at work or home, as it is at school, university or college.
When we think of bullying, we also tend to think of being physically abused. But most of today’s bullies exist in the mind. These types of bullies and trolls are the emotional manipulators and mental abusers who use intimidation through their words and mind games.
It doesn’t matter who you are - we’ve all fallen victim to a bully. I have no shame in including myself in this. I’ve experienced bullying in many different forms throughout my life. There are lots of unhappy and toxic people out there, so bullying will always be part of life.
With the power of social media, bullying is now just a click away, and unless you go and live a solitary life somewhere in the hills, there’s no getting away from it. That’s why rather than try to pretend bullies don’t exist we need the mental armour to deal with them.
Here are five ways to do it.
1. Don’t play a bullies game
To most bullies and toxic people, bullying is a game to them. The specific aim of a bully is to get a reaction from you, usually by frightening and intimidating you. The simplest way to stop this from happening is to not play their game. Starve them of the one thing fuelling their behaviour: your attention. When there is no fuel to stoke the fire, it will burn out. Bullies operate on a low conscious level; so don’t try to understand why they do what they do. Just move on because you are the smarter and more conscious human being.
2. Know your inner strength
When we get bullied, we go into child mode, and that puts us in a vulnerable state of mind. It makes us feel anxious and stressed, and like we have no power. This is bullsh*t, and part of the lies the bullies will have us believe. You have more inner strength than you know. That doesn’t mean you have to go out and learn karate (unless you want to). Inner strength is exactly that – the mental capacity to make a decision and take responsibility for it. If you decide something isn’t going to happen anymore, it’s up to you to follow up on that decision and take action. A strong mental decision starts by knowing you can handle anything that comes your way.
3. Set your personal boundaries
If you’re a good person, people will come along and try to take advantage of that. That’s just life. There are lots of toxic people out there who are waiting to pounce on what they believe to be suckers. Setting personal boundaries could be something as simple as saying ‘no’. I don’t buy that, so ‘no’. Everybody has this power, including you. It might take a little time and practice, but keep at it, and you’ll find saying ‘no’ becomes much easier.
4. Don’t try to control somebody else and their actions
You’ll never be able to completely control somebody else and their actions, so don’t try. It’s only going to cause you stress and anxiety. The only thing you can control is you and your actions, so focus on that. If somebody chooses to bully you, focus on what you can do about it, rather than trying to control and predict the bully. There is much more power in that.
5. Always know you have a choice
If there is one thing I want you to take away from this, it’s this: a bully doesn’t exist unless you allow it to exist. In other words, it’s your fear that is the real bully, and that means you have a choice. It might not feel like it, but it’s true, and sometimes it takes a little time for you to appreciate this fact. Nobody said dealing with a bully would be easy, but you deserve more. Make the right choice, because you do have a choice.
The best way to connect with Carl and join the discussion is on his Facebook page