It’s true what they say – life does begin at the end of your comfort zone.
The more you suffer from high anxiety, the more it will take a chunk out of your comfort zone.
Anxiety will chip away at your confidence, and every day your comfort zone will get smaller and smaller until your confidence is completely gone.
THIS IS A BIG DEAL. Why? Because the smaller your comfort zone is, the more anxiety will take over your life and the harder you’ll find it to cope.
To get back in control and stop the high anxiety from taking over, we have to stop our comfort zone from shrinking by doing the opposite and expanding it.
What is a comfort zone?
We all live within a comfort zone that we've created. Everyone's comfort zone is different.
To some people, jumping out of a plane is 'normal' - so it's within their comfort zone. To others, just the thought of doing it is enough to create panic.
Our comfort zones are the reason some of us feel anxious in certain situations and places, and why some of us don't have a care in the world.
Let's use the supermarket as a common example.
To most people, going to the supermarket is an everyday, common scenario. But if you've had a panic attack in a supermarket, or become highly anxious while you've been there, that will induce fear - so you’ll avoid going.
The fear will make you believe that a supermarket is a threat to your survival, and you'll keep avoiding it.
The more you avoid going to the supermarket, the less likely it will be that you will ever want to go again.
Your comfort zone is shrinking every time you make a decision not to go.
You'll get comfortable using avoidance as a short-term solution to your high anxiety, and so you'll avoid more things (which will continue to shrink your comfort zone further).
After a period of time, your comfort zone might get so small that you don't want to leave your house - or bedroom. Your house or bedroom becomes your 'safe place', and everything outside of it is perceived as a threat to your survival.
Now, do you see how quickly your anxiety-based comfort zone can shrink, and how quickly it can become an issue?
It starts with something like the supermarket, but before you know it, the fear has spread through your life like wildfire until you can’t leave your house and do normal everyday things.
If this sounds familiar, don’t worry - there is good news!
The good news about this shrinking comfort zone is it can be expanded again.
By using time, practice and small steps, you can stop your comfort zone from shrinking, and with a bit of confidence, you can grow your comfort zone – to the point where you might even get comfortable doing the things you've never done before. (Before high anxiety became an issue.)
You might get so good at expanding your comfort zone that you're able to do things you've never done before.
Maybe that skydive is closer than you think? :)
How to expand your comfort zone
Let's start with a simple question: What have you been avoiding?
Is it the supermarket?
Is it a conversation with someone?
Is it leaving your house?
Is it your boss?
Is it paying a bill?
Whatever 'it' is, facing it holds the key to you expanding your comfort zone.
The more we use avoidance, the more the situation gets out of control. Very much like when we internalise our feelings by bottling things inside and not communicating what's on our minds - they end up becoming bigger than they are.
When we take action by making small steps, we expand our comfort zone.
The bigger our comfort zone, the more capable we are of dealing with the challenges that life will inevitably throw at us - including high anxiety.
Step into a new comfort zone
Over the next 5-7 days, we're going to expand your comfort zone a little more every day by doing these three simple things.
1. Take what it is you've been avoiding.
2. Come up with the next small step that you can take towards getting it done.
3. Take that small step, and once you accomplish it, move onto the next small step.
Keep making steps until your comfort zone has expanded to where it is you want it to be. (You'll know when your comfort zone has expanded because you won't feel as anxious about doing the thing you were avoiding.)
Your comfort zone will naturally expand as you continue to take the small steps towards achieving it.
Each goal will have a different timescale dependent on how big your comfort zone needs to expand. For example, if your goal is to go abroad and you're currently struggling to leave your home, this won't be an overnight process. But as long as you keep making those small steps to make it happen, it WILL happen.
It's just a matter of time.
The more you expose yourself to whatever it is you've been avoiding, the quicker you'll overcome it. For example, if you want to overcome a fear of driving on a motorway, you have to keep exposing yourself to the motorway as often as you can - even if you don't need to go on the motorway.
Think of it like this.
How much quicker will you learn to play the guitar if you dedicated three hours every day to it, compared to just one hour a week?
The same principle applies to anything you want to get better at - including overcoming high anxiety. The more you expose yourself to it and, the more you practice it, the better you'll get and the quicker it will happen.
At first, you might need support, so don't be afraid to ask for help (if that is an option).
Just be aware not to become dependent on the person(s) offering you help. That will defeat the object, and your comfort zone won't grow unless you have a level of independence.
If you've been avoiding a place, like a supermarket, while you're expanding your comfort zone, take your headphones with you. Listening to music or an audiobook will help.
How did 2017 treat you?
How were your levels of anxiety? Did the year have lots of ups and downs? Of course it did – because that’s normal.
Good days. Crappy days. Happy days. Anxious days. It’s all par for the course.
The trick lies in getting the balance right – even better when you can tip the balance in your favour. How? is the question.
Here are seven suggestions to help you get 2018 off to the right start and manage your levels of anxiety.
1. Expand your comfort zone
When I look back at the year, I asked myself the question: Did my comfort zone increase or shrink? The honest answer is it stayed about the same. I did some things that expanded my comfort zone and other things I’ve always done – including procrastinating on a few things that I knew I needed to work on but tried to avoid. A life with healthy levels of anxiety is a life that grows – and that includes a growing comfort zone. The more your comfort zone shrinks, the more you’re allowing anxiety to dictate what you’re doing. Make 2018 the year you continue to expand your comfort zone.
2. Try something new (and different)
Talking of expanding comfort zones, I’m going to set you a challenge for 2018. I’ve even got a good name for the challenge: The Expand Your Comfort Zone To Increase Your Healthy Levels of Anxiety and Decrease Your Bad Anxiety challenge. (I tried to think of a more obvious name but couldn’t come up with one.) The way to win this challenge is simple. Do one thing that you wouldn’t normally do - something that takes you out of your comfort zone - something different. Take the class you wanted to go to but haven’t got around to booking. Ask her out on a date. Change your career and tell your boss to do one. (OK, so that’s maybe a step too far?) Do something new and different, and 2018 will be a better year than you think.
3. Worry a lot less about what people think
This is a subject I’ll be talking a lot about in 2018. Why? Because of how much it’s linked to our levels of anxiety. Social media. The way we look. What we say. The fear of people and what they think is way up there when it comes to causing high anxiety. When you sort your self-confidence out and worry a lot less about what other people think, you feel a hell of a lot better – including a lot less anxious. What other people think is none of your business. Focus on yourself. Concentrate on you and what you can control. Watch this space for lots more advice and info.
4. Laugh more
When I think about the times I was most anxious in 2017 it was when things felt serious. There are things in life that are no joke, like the a-holes who continue to do their best to bring you down. But being Mr or Mrs Serious won’t make things better. When you feel things getting on top of you in 2018, lighten the mood. Put on your favourite comedy, and have a laugh. Make 2018 the year you laugh more.
5. Get out and about
Your brain likes routine, and having a routine is good for reducing anxiety. But Groundhog Day, including being stuck in the house, is a guaranteed way to induce anxiety. Get out the house. Stop looking at the same four walls. Take a break. Get in the car and drive somewhere you’ve never been. Take a walk and get some fresh air. Book a weekend away. Do something spontaneous – something that will help you break the monotonous pattern.
6. Stop doing things you hate
We all need to do things we don’t like doing. Life is far from perfect. But life is also short. Don’t believe anything other. It is way too short to continue doing the things you hate with a passion. When you look back at 2017, what causes a bad taste in your mouth? Change it. It might not change overnight, but just identifying that you want to change and taking action to change it means you’re already steps ahead of where you were last year. Just keep making those small steps and keep taking action. Change will be inevitable.
7. Be more grateful
Think about the times you were angry, resentful, and jealous in 2017. What did these emotions do for you? Make you feel good? Make you feel less anxious? Nah. Don’t get me wrong – it’s normal to feel these things every now and again. But let these emotions take you over, and it’s game over. You can guarantee that bags of relentless anxiety come with them all. For 2018, focus on being more grateful. You can’t be anxious and grateful at the same time. A little bit of gratitude a day goes a long way.
I would have also included eating better and exercising more, but you’ve already seen this advice a thousand times already. You’ve likely got the exercise DVDs scattered over the living room floor already. But this advice is for a good reason. Just by making a small improvement in your diet and doing more exercise can massively lower your anxiety. They’re on my action list for 2018.
I know from experience that getting your sleep right is one of the hardest things to sort out when you’re dealing with high anxiety and stress.
My head used to hit the pillow, and no matter how tired I was, I just couldn’t sleep.
Non-stop thoughts would bounce around in my head, one after the other, with no let-up. It was almost as though my brain thought I was missing out on something!
Getting more sleep is vital when it comes to dealing with high anxiety. Without sleep, you don’t have energy, and you need all the energy you can get. When you wake up feeling exhausted and tired, the rest of the day follows in the same way.
Getting into a good pattern of sleep takes time, but there are things you can do that will help you get back on track and make a big difference. By putting these ideas into practice, your routine and pattern will get better instantly.
1. Have a notepad next to your bed
When we allow a thought to bounce around in our head, it will keep us awake. Lots of other thoughts will spiral off it, and the chance of sleeping through it is limited. Get your thoughts out of your head and write them down on a notepad next to your bed. That way you're getting the thought out of your head and you're reassuring your brain that you've got control and there is no need to worry.
2. Get organised for the next day
We get stressed and anxious when we feel out of control - which is a major cause of lack of sleep. Another way to stay organised and feel in control is to plan for the next day. If you have a good idea what you're going to do the next day, you'll feel calmer and more relaxed before your head hits the pillow. The 'what if' type thoughts won't spiral out of control because you've got a plan.
3. Get rid of artificial lighting
The reason we go to bed at night has a lot to do with the fact that it's dark. Sunlight sends a message to our brain to say we should be awake and active, whereas being in the dark tells us it's time for sleep. When you go to bed, get rid of all distractions, including anything that produces artificial light. That includes your phone, TV, tablets, and anything else that is shining a light at you. Make sure the room is nice and dark, and your brain will get the right message.
4. Don't drink (or eat) caffeine
This sounds like such an obvious one that it's not worth mentioning, but it is - simply down to the fact that we don't know that certain drinks and foods contain bags of caffeine. It's not just drinking coffee that will keep you up. That nice relaxing cup of tea before bed also has lots of caffeine. And it doesn't stop there. Did you know that chocolate and ice cream also contain caffeine? How about that cup of green tea? That's right - even some of the herbal teas need checking out for caffeine. If you're not sure, always read the label or do a bit of research before having a gorge. You might be inadvertently stimulating yourself before you go to bed. (It's also worth noting that smoking and drinking alcohol before you go to bed will stimulate you.)
5. Get into a pattern and routine
I know it sounds boring, but your brain likes routine. When you get rid of the unknown, there isn't anything to get anxious about - and routine will do that for you. If you train your brain that a certain time of night means sleepy time, you'll naturally begin to wind down at that time. Like any new routine, at first, it will be hard to stick to. But with time and practice, your sleeping pattern will continue to improve. You can become less rigid about your routine when you see your sleep get better.
It's important you stay patient and don't allow the initial frustration to win over. Don't get frustrated with your sleep. It takes time to get it right – but what you're doing right now will be worth it.
The next time you get a worrying or anxious thought I want you to remember D.A.D.
‘What’s DAD got to do with anything?’, I hear you say.
Remember D.A.D is a simple but highly effective technique I’ve created to help you take control and deal with all your thoughts (anxious or not).
When you appreciate that it’s you creating all your thoughts, you can take more control of them. When you take control, you’ll deal with your anxiety and stress instantly.
Because we have about 60,000 thoughts a day, you can’t control all of them – that’s impossible. But you can manage them better, and remembering D.A.D will help.
Here’s how to use the D.A.D technique.
When you have the next worrying or anxious thought stop everything that you are doing.
Sit down (if you're not sitting already), and question that worrying thought immediately.
Don't allow it to spiral out of control, and don't dwell on it.
Don't try to understand it and think deeply about what it means.
Don’t allow the usual ‘what if’ type thoughts to spiral out of control.
Simply comprehend that you’ve had the thought and take control by picking one of the three D.A.D options to manage it.
Stats tell us that most of the thoughts we have are useless, which means you should be ditching most of them. If you decide that the thought is no good for you, and its only purpose is to cause you more worry and anxiety, decide to ditch it. Let it go. Give it a gentle nudge and tell it to move on. You have the power to do that - because you're in control.
If you decide that your thought requires immediate action, don't leave the spot until you take action. Anxiety and stress are caused by feeling out of control, and taking instant action puts you in control. That action doesn't need to fix whatever it is that induced the thought - it can be something small - like making a call, sending an email or having a chat with someone. By taking action, even if it's just a small step, you're putting yourself back in control.
If it is something that can wait, write it down and go back to it. I find the easiest way to do this is using Evernote (a free app that keeps you organised). Get the thought out of your head and put it onto paper (or text) and on to your to-do list. This will release the thought and stop it from bouncing around in your head. If you have an online calendar, like Google Calendar, you can set an alarm so you can go back to it. That way you're not ignoring it or pretending that it doesn't exist (like the bill you don't want to pay). Instead, you're dealing with it at a time that is better for you.
When you manage all your thoughts (worrying or otherwise) using these three options, you'll find you manage your anxiety and stress much more effectively.
Make remembering D.A.D a habit, and with time and practice, it will stick.
You’ve already been told the usual advice when it comes to dealing with anxiety – to the point you’ve become bored of hearing about
Sorting your diet out
Admittedly, as your Anxiety Coach, I’ll have you doing some of these things, and they’re given as regular advice for a sound reason. But to shake things up a little, I also want to give you some different, radical ideas to help you reduce your anxiety – things you might not have thought about doing previously.
I noticed a while ago that if I wanted something different, I had to do something different.
Some of these ideas might sound a little radical, and could even raise an eyebrow, but that’s exactly the point.
The more different and radical the idea, the quicker the change and reduction in anxiety could happen.
Suggestion 1: Quit TV for a week
How radical is that? The idea of no TV for a week! To most of us, this sounds as crazy as it gets. This is exactly why I want you to consider doing it. If you want something new, you have to try something different, and cutting off the TV supply is something very different for most of us. Before you tell me this is impossible, I’m not asking you to do anything I haven’t done myself. I cut TV out for a week, and I haven’t looked back since. I went from a TV addict to someone who will watch a bit of Netflix every now and again. Why did it work? Think about how much anxiety TV might be causing you. Adverts constantly telling us how to look and act. The news repetitively telling us what a f’ed up world we live in. Reality TV making us feel inferior. By the time you’ve flicked through those hundred pointless channels, it’s time to go to bed and start the same pattern over and over again. Quit TV for a bit, and you might find it gives you the time to do that thing you’ve always wanted to do.
Suggestion 2: Stop watching the news
As I just mentioned, the news has a great knack of repeatedly reminding us of how f’ed up the world is. Do we need a constant reminder? I’m not saying bury your head in the sand, but if you keep feeding your mind with negativity, it will fuel your anxiety. The news is widely accessible, and with your phone, it’s constantly in your pocket. Come away from looking at it, and see how you feel. If you need to know something, you’ll know it.
Suggestion 3: Stop giving your anxiety excuses
Giving something a reason to exist, including high anxiety, will give it life. Excuses will provide all the fuel your high anxiety will ever need to not only survive but also thrive. It’s the weather. It’s my job. It’s my boss. Anxiety runs in my family. It’s my partner. It’s my kids! The list can go on as much as you want. If you want to reduce your high anxiety, the excuses need to stop. It’s time to take 100% responsibility. Anxiety won’t like it – it doesn’t like it when you take responsibility. That might mean more anxiety. But until you step forward and take responsibility, nothing will change. Stop the excuses, and you’ll stop stoking the fire.
Suggestion 4: Come away from support groups
I don’t offer a support group for good reason. I’ve not had positive experiences with them, and the same goes for a lot of the people I speak to daily. Support groups are there for good intention, but they can easily create bad feeling and more anxiety – sometimes unintentionally. We all need support, but we need it in a way that provides us with the positivity and focus we need to move forward – the reason why my programme has a unique buddying system that does exactly that.
Suggestion 5: Cut down your social media use
Notice I say ‘cut down’ here, rather than stop. For 99.9% of us, not using social media is like not eating. If I asked you to stop using social media, I know it would be like asking you to lose a limb. So let’s be realistic. In lots of recent surveys and studies, the use of social media has been shown to increase anxiety. It’s little wonder when all you see is the highlights. When you’re sitting there chained to your desk at work, and you’re looking at pictures of your friends partying, it has a habit of rapidly producing resent, anger, and jealousy – and in turn, lots of anxiety. Top this off with no likes or comments on your posts, and you’ve got yourself a proper pity party. Put the phone down. Shut the laptop. Pick up a book. Go for a walk. Have a real conversation. Do these things without worrying about sharing everything you do to get approval from others. The feeling of freedom you get might be the anxiety-buster you’re looking for.
These five ideas may be radically different to what you’ve considered previously. But like I said, if you want some big changes, including big reductions in your anxiety, you’ve got to do something you haven’t done before.
Why not give them a go? What have you got to lose?
This will be one of the most challenging blogs you’ll ever read when it comes to what to do about anxiety – but also the most honest and most effective.
I’ve been through fifteen years of high anxiety, and there aren’t many symptoms or experiences that you’ve been through that I haven’t experienced myself.
For all this time, I searched high and low for answers, including quick fixes, cures and magical answers. No matter how hard or how long I searched, they never came. It was only when I stopped looking for these things (when I realised they didn’t exist) that I was able to make the long-term changes that made a big difference to my life.
If you’re still looking for the quick fix, cure, or magical answer for anxiety, I completely get it. When anxiety starts to bite, what do we do - apart from panic and go into meltdown?
- Search Dr Google
- Look for help or reassurance
- Panic some more
And what do these things usually result in?
THE NEED FOR A QUICK FIX.
The desperate need to get out of mental pain means that we just want the quick fix – anything that will give us a quick way out of the pain caused by high anxiety.
If at the peak of my high anxiety you told me putting my head in a vice for two weeks would have ‘cured’ my anxiety, I probably would have given it a go!
This is great news for everybody offering a quick fix or cure for anxiety, but not so good when it comes to you finding a real solution – something that will help you create long-term sustainable positive changes.
There is only one way to deal with high anxiety.
Find the answers (that you already know) and take action on the changes that will put you in a new direction.
It’s OK to need a helping hand to rediscover what the answers are. We all need a helping hand every now and again. It’s the reason I dedicated my life to being an anxiety coach. As an anxiety coach, it’s my job to help you rediscover the answers and give you the tools you need to set your journey in a new direction.
But here’s the other crucial part to this. As well as forgetting about the idea of a quick fix (that doesn’t exist), on your new journey, you have to expect good and challenging days.
There is no switch to turn off anxiety. There is no quick fix. There is no cure or permanent elimination for something that is a perfectly natural part of who you are. That means anxiety will be with you on your journey wherever you go – and that means at times anxiety will challenge you.
You can bury your head in the sand and pretend that a cure or quick fix exists and continue looking for it, or you can start the new journey today by taking responsibility for your future and taking action on the changes you want to happen.
The answer to high anxiety isn’t a cure or elimination – it’s managing it right and regaining control. It’s getting the BALANCE right.
You have to use time in the same way anxiety grew over time. Without giving your changes time, you can’t make lasting change. Very much in the same way you can’t learn a new language in a week.
Stop going to the doctors, seeing a counsellor, picking up books, watching videos, taking courses, listening to podcasts or trying a hundred and one other different things in the hope of a quick fix, cure, or magic answer. Do all these things, but use them as the stepping-stone you need to move forward on your journey to revival. Allow them to help you gain answers, knowledge and understanding, but don’t frustrate yourself by thinking that they will offer the quick solution you’re desperate to find.
Deep down you know there is no quick fix. There will always be part of you hoping there is one – like I said – I completely get it. It’s natural for us to want to find the quickest and easiest route out of pain. But long-term sustainable change comes with time and practice. And that’s also OK – because you can start your new journey today. With your new mindset, you can make better choices, and make every day stronger than the last.
No matter how anxiety might be affecting you today, we all have an opportunity to improve our lives. Everyone can get a better quality of life.
When you’re ready, and you know that dealing with high anxiety is going to take action and a bit of work, every day will get better. You will approach anxiety differently. Instead of thinking you need the quick fix, you’ll tell yourself that anxiety is normal, and you’ll start to manage it better.
Every day your confidence will grow, and you’ll drop those useless ideas of quick fixes, cures, and magic answers. You’ll begin to enjoy the journey as much as the destination and accept the good and challenging times as part of that journey.
That’s when you know you’re on the right track.
There is no cure for anxiety. We all have anxiety; it’s just that some of us deal with higher than NORMAL levels of anxiety on a regular enough basis that it causes a problem.
When you allow your mind to get caught up in the ‘what if’ thoughts, the fear spirals out of control, and the anxiety grows. The only way out of this cycle of fear and anxiety is to throw a big spanner into it – to stop it from turning.
When the cogs stop turning, you’ll get yourself back to a place where you can begin to think rationally again. The anxiety (and fear) will subside, and you’ll go back to living with NORMAL levels of anxiety.
The next time your thoughts begin to spiral out of control, and you feel anxiety starting to bite, take these actions to deal with your anxiety instantly.
Controlling Anxiety Symptoms
Anxiety symptoms are vast and are different for us all. But there will be one or two that are consistent for you. These anxiety-related symptoms will be the root cause of why your anxiety spins out of control. When you begin to control and recognise what these anxiety-related symptoms are, you’ll start to feel more in control – and that is the immediate aim. Anxiety grows when you feel out of control. The more control we can get, the less anxiety will affect you.
FIRST ACTION: Accept the anxiety-related symptoms and feelings
Stop fighting the anxiety-related symptoms. It’s a battle you’ll never win. Instead, accept the feelings. As you feel them, tell yourself: ‘I know this is anxiety, and it’s OK. These symptoms have never harmed me, and they won’t harm me now. This is just my body reacting to a thought I’ve had. It will pass.’ Allow the feelings to pass through your body, and when you don’t fight them, you’ll notice they move on much quicker. By fighting, you’re holding onto the symptoms. By allowing them to pass, you’re letting them go.
SECOND ACTION: Don’t stay still and do something different
When you sit in the same spot, your focus is on being anxious. You’re going to get more of whatever it is you focus on. You need to direct your focus to something that will help your anxiety pass. That’s why going for a walk, or doing some other form of physical activity, is a good idea. You might not feel like doing it, and your mind might be telling you to sit still and be a victim to the symptoms, but doing something you don’t feel like doing is exactly what you have to do - if you want to feel different. When you feel anxiety starting to bite, don’t sit still. Immediately get up, and go do something you wouldn’t normally do. Break the pattern and do something different.
THIRD ACTION: Repeat actions one and two, and be consistent
The way you’re dealing with anxiety right now is based on habit. When anxiety bites, you’ll naturally want to go into the same pattern of behaviour you always have. But if this reaction to anxiety hasn’t been working, you have to do something different to get a different result. Otherwise, nothing will change. Anxiety will continue to have the grip on you it always has. Start acting differently, and form a new habit. With time, practice, and continual repetition of actions one and two, you will form new behaviours that will work for you. You will become a different person – a person who handles anxiety when it bites and doesn’t fall victim to it.
At that moment, when panic attacks, you have a number of choices.
Choice #1: Fuel the fear and run
Drop everything. Throw the shopping basket on the floor, and run for your life. Keep moving forward - run, walk, jog – do anything, as long as people can’t see the sweat on your forehead and the panic on your face as you have a panic attack. That would cause you great embarrassment, and what people think matters. React to the panic with more panic. Stoke the fire with fuel (the fuel being fear). Like a steam train, watch as your panic keeps chugging away and continues to get worse as you continue to stoke the fire.
Choice #2: Question your sanity
Are these symptoms real? Are they life-threatening? Is it just indigestion? Is it a migraine? Should I call for an ambulance? I might look stupid. Allow all the ‘what if. . .?’ thoughts to continue to fuel the panic, and produce more thoughts about things that will never happen.
Choice #3: Search Dr Google
Get our your phone or laptop and begin typing in your symptoms on Google. Fuel the panic further as you read through the life-threatening results, believing every word of them. Spend the rest of your life in and out of doctor’s surgeries, getting more frustrated and disillusioned with every visit. Make lots of trips to the hospital, seeing specialists and having tests, looking for a diagnosis that deep down you know is anxiety.
Choice #4: Fight the panic
Fight the symptoms. Have a battle with something you can never win – something that is implanted in you to keep you safe. Fight with everything you have and use up all your energy – vital energy needed to overcome the panic. Continue to beat yourself and become more and more disillusioned as you convince yourself your life will never change.
Choice #5: Accept the symptoms, stand firm, and don’t stoke the fire
Accept the symptoms. Say to yourself: ‘I recognise that I’m having a panic attack, but I also accept that these symptoms won’t last. They never have. And they’ve never done me any harm.’ Don’t worry about what other people are doing or thinking – that is not your worry or concern. Stand firm, and recognise that, like a bully, panic feeds off fear. Internally shout: ‘DO YOUR WORST!’, and feel the symptoms subside. Know that all the ‘what if. . .?’ thoughts serve you no purpose other than to cause you more panic. Be confident to know that when you don’t stoke the fire, panic has nothing to feed off. Smile, and thank anxiety for keeping you safe. Reassure it, and tell it, on this occasion it wasn’t needed. It was simply a false alarm. Keep doing the things and visiting the places that cause you to panic, and keep telling your brain that these things and places are OK. Watch as your anxiety and panic trigger eases each time you do it.
Which choice will you make? I like #5.
How easy is it, when somebody gets your back up, to immediately get angry and feel hateful towards her/him?
It’s an immediate natural reaction, so it’s really easy, right?
But what has harbouring anger, hate, resentment, jealousy, anxiety, stress (and any other negative emotions you can think of) ever done for you?
Nothing, except make you feel like crap.
When you allow somebody else to make you feel like crap, you’re only extending your mental pain and suffering by continuing to harbour the anger, hate, resentment, jealousy, anxiety and stress.
It’s time to let go of it – for your sake – not theirs.
If somebody does you wrong, I’m not necessarily saying you should forgive and forget. What I am saying is, for the sake of your own feelings and well-being, you should let go and move on. In other words, you should forgive but don’t forget.
If you don’t let go and move on, you’re only harbouring all those negative feelings that will continue to make you feel like crap. That means that you’re allowing whoever it is that has caused you pain to continue that pain.
You’ll be the one causing all your mental pain and suffering.
It might feel as though you have no control over these emotions at times, but anger, hate, resentment, jealousy, anxiety and stress are always a choice. I know this because these emotions always begin with a thought, and that thought is then manifested as a feeling.
You have control over what thoughts you choose to act on, and that means that you do have a choice whether or not you allow these emotions to dominate you.
How does that make you feel to know that you have a choice to feel these negative emotions, just as much as you have a choice to feel the good stuff like happiness, joy, love and contentment?
When I discovered this fact, it made me stop and think – and I’m hoping it’s doing the same for you.
By learning to let go and move on, I stopped harbouring all those negative emotions that were no good for me, which made me less frustrated, angry, anxious and stressed.
I still experience all these things – I just don’t allow them to dictate how I feel, including whether or not I’m going to have a good or bad day.
If somebody pisses me off, for example, I won’t allow the mental pain and suffering caused from that to define who I am.
People will act as they act. You have no control over that. You only have control over you – including how you choose to react and how you feel.
Dependent on the level of the suffering and pain you’ve experienced, some of you will find this harder to take on board than others – I appreciate that.
I’m not diluting the fact that anger, hate, resent, jealousy, anxiety and stress aren’t incredibly difficult to overcome. I know first-hand how difficult it is. But it still doesn’t take away from the crucial fact that these things are a choice.
When it comes to anger, hate, resent, jealousy, anxiety and stress, we prefer to look at these things as though we have no choice – like they are put on us. The biggest issue with this is we become a victim to them.
When you’re a victim of circumstance, you tell yourself that there is nothing you can do – so you continue to allow these negative emotions to dominate you. That will keep you trapped in a negative cycle, and you’ll always be a victim.
The next time you feel any of these emotions, remember that you have a choice.
To help you remember, I’ve listed the solutions as 3 A’s. These are the three things that will end your mental pain and suffering.
The first A to end your mental pain and suffering is acceptance. You could also call this A ‘Appreciation’. Like Carl Jung said: ‘What you resist persists.’ You’ll only feel the full force of something when you fight it. When you accept and appreciate something, including its reasoning and why it’s happening, it can no longer cause you further mental pain and suffering. Stop fighting whatever it is you’re fighting, and learn to let go. This doesn’t mean you have to put up with it. Letting go could mean walking away. Remember: forgive but don’t forget.
The second A to end your mental pain and suffering is attitude. An extended version of this is ‘attitude of gratitude’. It’s impossible for any negative emotion to overcome you when you are in a state of gratitude. For example, you can’t be anxious and grateful at the same time. Dock leaves grow next to stinging nettles because nature always wants to provide us with a solution. Gratitude is nature’s solution to all that is negative. Practice gratitude daily.
The third A to end your mental pain and suffering is affection. It’s probably the hardest ‘A’ of them all, but it’s also the most powerful. How can you show love or affection to somebody who might have physically or mentally abused you? How do you make friends with an emotion like anxiety and stress - emotions that might have destroyed your life for decades? How do you say ‘hello’ to somebody who has done you wrong? These are not easy questions to answer, but getting even close to the answer offers you a lot more mental freedom. Imagine the freedom behind being able to let go, move on and forgive what you hate. It’s an ‘A’ I’m still working on, so I’m pleased to be able to join you on this journey myself!
You’ve got a job, but you want more.
More cash. More time. More freedom.
You’re fed up and don’t see the job you have as long-term - but you’re not sure what else to do.
Earning some extra income outside of your job will give you more opportunities – it could even lead to something a little more permanent – like running your own business.
Gaining an extra side income outside of your job (passive income) is the perfect solution for the extra freedom, time and money you’re looking for.
Here are fifteen ideas to get you inspired and started.
#1: Intellectual property (books/ideas)
To write a successful book, you don’t need to reinvent the wheel or come up with a unique idea. Some best-selling books are based on other people’s stories – stories that inspire and are worth writing about. You don’t need a personal story – you just need enough passion and enthusiasm to want to write about something that interests you (and will interest others). Saleability is, of course, a priority. There is little point writing a book if nobody is interested in reading it. To make your book saleable, it needs to get people’s attention and have a USP (unique selling point) – to distinguish it from all the others available.
If you write about a specific subject, a lot of the book could be made up of interviews with experts in that field. When you contact them, you might find that most experts will be more than happy to help a budding writer. The desire to help others is within all of us, so take advantage of it. They might ask to be paid – or you might be lucky and ask somebody who is happy just getting the exposure. You’ll never know until you ask! If they do want something in return, give them an incentive. If you don’t have any money, negotiate a deal with them where you’ll give them a cut of sales. If you’re going to succeed, you have to get creative. Combine your creativity with the will to succeed, and things will happen for you.
Unless you’re a best-selling author (I’m talking like Stephen King or J.K. Rowling), selling books alone won’t be enough to sustain a comfortable lifestyle – you need to know that before you grab your laptop and start tapping away. Have you ever met an author driving around in a Ferrari? No, me neither. The mental picture you have of a writer being a scruffy-looking recluse in their dressing gown is generally accurate – apart from me, of course!
Because writing a book is such a competitive space, it’s treated as such. It’s very much viewed as a privilege to get a publishing deal, which is why royalties are low. Books are a good way to get noticed and reach a wide audience (meaning they can form a strong part of your overall strategy), but they won’t support your less-stress lifestyle alone. Once you have your audience, you can add value to the time invested in writing by doing things like workshops and coaching. However, writing a book alone doesn’t guarantee attention. Unless you’re an established big name it’s very difficult for authors to get noticed, even if a world-leading publisher signs you up.
Based on the odds, writing books is a high-risk strategy. In 2013 China published 440,000 books, the USA 305,000, and the UK 184,000. That’s a lot! It seems as though it’s most people’s ambition to write a book, making it a very competitive market. And getting published is just the start. A common misconception about publishers is that they sell your books for you – they don’t! Yes, the bigger ones have sales, marketing and PR teams, but ultimately it’s up to you to sell your books.
I write because I enjoy it, and I get huge satisfaction from helping people through my writing. I’m also not afraid to take a gamble if I believe in something. I’d recommend you write (if you’re going to) for the same reasons: enjoyment and wanting to help – not for money.
I appreciate I’ve been quite negative here, but I’m being realistic about the odds. You can, of course, make your fortune by coming up with the next Harry Potter series, but the fact remains that there are lots of authors out there. Plus, writing is hard! (Well, it is for me!) Writing a decent book is very time-consuming and isn’t an easy job (which is probably why there are so many rubbish ones available). The number of times I go through each paragraph to make sure it’s right (I’m a perfectionist) is excruciating at times. But I remind myself of how many people I can help, and I carry on. It’s my passion for writing that makes all the difference for me, and it will make the difference for you, too.
If you do have a passion for writing and want to try to beat the odds, there are generally two options when deciding to write a book: (1) self-publish, and (2) write with the aim of finding an agent and getting published. More and more authors are going down the self-publishing route because it’s never been easier. Remember, a book is just a product like any other – if you believe you can sell it, you’re in business. You can be your own publisher as long as you have what it takes to sell your book.
Because the self-publishing route takes a lot of effort and time, my advice is to focus on getting published first, and if it doesn’t happen within a timescale suited to you, go down the self-publishing route. Don’t be disheartened if it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s incredibly competitive, and most books don’t get a deal with a publisher. Even some of the best authors of all time were rejected time and time again!
Like anything else, if you have a passion for writing and an absolute belief that you can make it happen, it will.
Similar to books, you don’t necessarily need to reinvent the wheel when it comes to products. You can either invent a product to license out, or license an existing product to sell (both options qualify as passive income).
The best way to connect with Carl and join the discussion is on his Facebook page